it's 1:21 pm, on November 19, 2020 - bruise, forever and ever and ever.

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somehow between watching / reading parts of The Untamed and falling in serious empathy / over-identification with Jiang Cheng -- and then Supernatural ending this week -- I'm just, a bit of a wreck without a really good explanation.

so like, Jiang Cheng is arguably the person in the Untamed who gets nearly the least happy ending, when it all boils down to it.. and arguably is almost worse-off in the future than he was before. which is saying something. however, the reason he is worse off is actually his own inability to forgive-- not that he doesn't want to, but he literally doesn't know how. himself, or other people. and I just--

why I didn't get into the cutie-pie gay marriage idek, but-- well, friends and enemies, you know why I didn't. I know why I didn't. but, like him, maybe it's best if we just accept that all happened.... fuck. thirteen years ago, just like Jiang Cheng. and know that you can't go home again -- you can't have your family back -- if you salt the earth before you leave.

and so, supernatural.

it's weird-- I've read a lot of fanfic for it but never actually watched more than the first couple of seasons; it was never my primary fandom, tbh. I never fell in love with the show so I never really fell out of it? it's like--

fuck, it's like, it's a comforting place that should always be there because it has to let you in. predictable. like an old family home, even if it's just a weekly tv show about incesty brothers and ghosts. except, I never had a family home, I never had that place. and so, supernatural being over upsets the balance of that comfort, tears up open and wrinkles it up and throws it in the garbage can.

it was just, always supposed to be there.

why I feel like Oz season four rn, I can't even explain, since I have no fandom friends anymore, I'm not part of a communal grieving period for this; I haven't even seen 90% of the season to date. I watched Cas profess his love, I watched Dean crumble, I watched the meek and the kinder men inherit the earth, but that's it.

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If Dionysus is the wine, not the god of, then supernatural is the act of fandom. and by this time tomorrow, it's going to be gone.

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The current mood of lisewilliams@geocities.com at www.imood.com

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- - March 10, 2022
- - December 15, 2021
bruise - December 13, 2021
bruise - October 13, 2021
- - December 01, 2020

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