it's 4:57 a.m., on 2001-06-05 - catholic lust and izzy.
~
Did I ever tell you about pilar, the OZ writer that did Mukada and Keller and made me fall in lust with the Catholic Church?
Serious lust, here.
I'm talking booty-shaking, all-out moaning and grinding in the confessional lust. I'm talking about, wriggling against the honey-pine pews, so hot you could faint while the choir's singing, baby, lust.
She hates N-sync too.
I love pilar.
~*~
I'm laying here in my mickey teeshirt and my leopard print underwear, and I'm thinking about all the things I haven't written.
I should write a con-report of SubCon because many people are doing such, but I don't feel the need. I told about the things that I wanted to remember the other day; I don't need to do a day-by-day to remember hearing about nakedAaron and Dande on her car, and so much has faded already but it's okay.
I think I should talk about Izzy, instead.
I tried to explain to Kael how, precisely, the idea of izzy frightens me the other day. I don't think I could do it properly; maybe I've never really explained it properly. I've probably been distracted.
Oh, speaking of distractions. Here.
Anyway.
The reason Izzy frightens me is this. When I was in love with Cass, there were certain things you just, you didn't bring up. Feelings were one of them-- feelings between us, that is. I heard about hers sometimes, and she heard about mine, regarding other people.
But the 'us' thing was taboo. Not really because we were afraid. Just because, like Stuart and Vince, there are some things you just get used to, and friendship's one of them, and if you say anything, it's not going to change the status quo except for the worse. Bringing out 'I love you' in front of Carolina wouldn't have done anything but created a gap there, and that wouldn't have had any point.
Goes back to the belief I have in only telling people things if they want to hear them.
Not saying I didn't *want* her to know, and yeah, I did want some validation for my feelings, sometimes. But on the whole, I can look back and realize the practical side of me kinda took over there.
Now, Izzy, he's got the same idea, I think. Regardless of how he feels, he's not going to say something unless he thinks the other person wants to hear it. That's why when Alex puts him on the spot like that, it's cruel, and he doesn't know how to cope.
Izzy doesn't say things unless he knows what affect they'll have. I think I do the same thing.
But the way he scares me is this. I can so easily over-identify with Ricky and Izzy-- and I don't want to do that, because that's looking for convenience.
...not a very good explanation. Whatever. I keep recycling the same phrases.
Nothing's new anymore.
~*~
I probably have more to say, but I have to get to sleep-- in five hours, I'm going to be going downtown and hanging out with Sue at work-- which will probably consist of me falling asleep at Sue's work. Then I have to write a paper.
River. Mileage.
I hate these hours we keep, and the miles we have to go before we sleep.
~
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