it's 7:45 p.m., on 2001-08-19 - fear and loathing in the middle of the desert.

~

did you never call, I waited for your call

This very well might be an entry just for everyone to skip. It might be too steeped in constellations and metaphors and things that mean something to me and only me. No one else might be interested.

But that's okay. This is my journal.

'that's me in the spotlight'

So I get an email today. And it brings up -- fear. What I think has been dubbed 'fear and loathing' in me, even though the loathing is inward and the fear is outward. But anyway.

See, outward fear of, of. I don't know. There's that surety thing and when it's shaken it hits me fairly hard. And then there's self-loathing. I don't want to be needy and I don't, I.

I don't want to speak. See, this is it. I don't want to be the person who says things.

I read a Chris/Lance story (yeah, fuck off. Just fuck off.) and at one point there was this bit that went, 'chris, you're so selfish'. And it was because he wanted Lance but he missed him because he missed the smell of him on the pillow and the way his house was so inviting and things like that. he didn't miss the, I dunno.

So I'm in this introspective mood.

up the stairs to her apartment

Did I ever tell y'all the story about how, the first week I was in my apartment, I pulled shite on other friends online and said I was going to kill myself?

You want to know what it was about? Paris. He was talking to Anna again.

There's fear and loathing right there. Definitely.

There's an entry somewhere in scribble.nu titled 'fear and loathing in nashville'.

Know what, I don't want to think about that. There are only so many in-sureties one can explain at once.

~*~

I was tired of lying

See, so am I. So I'll tell you straight.

I don't know.

nashville meant that I had someone to focus on; the desert meant I had someone I thought I could talk to about anything. I'm not a pack rat, even with people.

Did you know that Randy moved house and didn't bother to call? it should upset me but it doesn't. I have trouble keeping in touch with people because I have a selfish streak.

I keep listening to 'losing my religion'.

I found it last night, and so quickly have I lost it. Didn't take much.

~*~

'life is bigger'

I think that'd be a good place to end this, however, because it's a positive among things I don't want to define or explain. Life is bigger.

Um. yeah.

~

-

what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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