it's 7:00 pm, on November 01, 2001 - jack's free will.
~
I have decided to let the novel 'Fight Club' change my life.
I say, decide, because there are a hundred thousand things that could be the turning point in someone's life, and probably are-- we can feel them tugging, each time it happens. And so, I can look at this feeling that I have, and I can say, okay, I'm going to let this change me now. Self-realization as free will.
Also, because, I've been restless the last few weeks and I think I need some focus in order to get away from that -- I want to finish writing, is what I want to do. I have one fic to finish, and then I want to forget about fanfic.
You look at your hands, see valleys and craters on them, and wonder about the rocky surface of the moon, the valleys and craters there that span hundreds of miles. How different is hundreds of miles to the hundreds of nanometers between your knuckle and your fingernail? If these hundreds of thousands of moments that could and do change your life were stretched out, like a long deep valley, would they have any more significance than the one rock you trip over as the lunar module lands and you flub the exit from the vehicle -- what was history becomes your faceplant in the still, still dust?
These are the kinds of thoughts I'm having right now, because here's the thing -- like so many people, the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my life is be a writer.
I don't think I've said that before. Not really. I think, once and a while, I've considered it, and I think I've probably even admitted it to myself, when I was young and really really stupid. But I don't think I've ever written it down before. The reason is this: the people I know who say, 'I've always wanted to be a writer', I don't respect them. They, in my eyes, do not have the talent to hack it, even if in someone else's they do. Someone like Frank Herbert probably always wanted to be a writer, you know?
I hate Frank Herbert's style.
I have been thinking about quitting school, lately, and while part of me wants to scream, the rest of me knows that I kind of like school, when all's said and done. I don't like going to school or coming from school, but I like the actual being there parts. I have no sense of time management, and I think, if I had a personal assistant like a pop star, I'd be much better at this whole business of going outside the house.
This moment of self-realization, is it post-production, because I'm looking at it and I'm feeling the glossy pages beneath my fingertips and going, 'yes, all right, I'm going to make this important now'?
I can taste moon dust.
~*~
So, about this always wanting to be a writer thing. I don't think I can really do it, not full time, not yet. I have this year of school to finish. See, already, this moment of 'I can do anything' is fading into the much more positive, 'I want to succeed'. Sometimes, even a gypsy like me has a practical side.
But, wanting to be a writer. Wanting to be a writer. Always, having that yearn to say, wanting to put those thoughts down and create, create, take the faux-plastic keys beneath your cratered fingertips and say, say, say--
My stomach is starting to hurt.
~*~
And just like that, I've dried up. My moment of free-willed self-realization has told me, 'you need to clean your room, in order to be a terrorist, because right now it's a fucking mess'.
Don DeLillo equated writers with terrorism. If you look down, and squint hard enough, you can see the footprints in the dust, the vague outline of bulky shoes, and the faint patter patter of depressed keys, tapping tapping away-- you can feel the weightlessness, and the sinking feeling from those words, 'I want to be a writer'. The earth is visible on the horizon; there are stars out the window.
~
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