it's 1:28 am, on February 08, 2002 - sleepwalking.
~
I am doing nothing but listening to "more than a feeling", eating peanut butter and honey crackers, and, thinking. I am thinking of a lot of things that tend to overwhelm my senses. The big questions, like 'what are you going to do' and 'how are you going to survive for the next fifty years in this society' and 'if you do not earn some kind of income, you will not have the kind of lifestyle you have become accustomed to; what do you think about that?'
I want to say my apathy towards school is depression, but? it's not. It's a lack of interest. I have inertia working against me.
Here are the things I'm thinking about, in no particular order:
raecrivain: I am abusing commas.
thissugarcane: I abuse periods. watch me. I am a fiend.
raecrivain: i know you do <g>
raecrivain: I think, I started, cause of you! but it's mostly commas.
thissugarcane: I have this thing about pauses. I'm all about the space around what people say.
thissugarcane: I infect people. hah! everyone, embrace pauses.
raecrivain: pauses usually speak as much as the words.
raecrivain: I want to marry the semi-colon. it's my favourite. hee.
raecrivain: i wonder what the kids would look like.
thissugarcane: it's too hard to come at anything straight on. you have to define something by what it's not. this is my theory about writing. --yeah, semi-colons are sexy things.
raecrivain: mm. yes. what isn't said, rather than what is.
thissugarcane: you can, sketch an outline of a scene, by filling in everything that's said, and then the important things are hilighted because they're left out.
raecrivain: and, yeah. it's subtlety. I'm on a roll of reading crappy first person novels, and they tell you *everything*, and it's pissing me off.
thissugarcane: subtlety. like "the body." It's all about negative space.
thissugarcane: God, that episode was fucking brilliant.
Because Joss deserved an award. This is an important thing, writing and doing so in the spaces, rather than the head-on. Details filling out the big picture without actually once defining what the big picture is.
I know I want to try and define this trend, but I am having no luck.
Also thinking about: orange juice. Because I am dangerously close to running out. My life is not complete unless I have orange juice, yo.
Reasons I need a relatively nice job:
--to buy orange juice
--to buy nsync photocards
--so I won't starve to death
--so I can go places that are fun
--possibly, so I can buy the first nsync cd
--to give my life credibility to someone other than myself
Things I want to do in said job:
--sit in an office, or at home, and type things
--not have to deal with the public very often
--possibly file things
--possibly have gross amounts of time to technically, do nothing in front of a computer screen
--use a palm pilot and a mobile
Reasons I probably won't get a job like this?
--laziness
--also, no experience.
These lists have done much better than anything more poetic to describe the place in my life I'm at right now. I have an ability to do repetitive things on the computer for hours on end. Data entry, anyone? And yet, I do not have a certificate and I do not have a copy of Excel. I am not an office bitch, yo. I want to work for duty-free.
"I will see you, in the next life"
Reason I will not be published: laziness to read the books on where to submit things. Also, laziness on submitting things. I have the desire, but I'm not into print material. More importantly: I don't have a printer.
"I will see you, in the next life"
There's a sort of sick desperation in your life, says Tyler Durden. I say, there's a sort of sick desperation to everyone's life, my friend.
I think, practically, I need to do one of two things: get a job, or seriously downscale my standard of living. Like, to a cardboard box and some newspaper. I mean, I have money, but not a never-ending supply, and I'm not a cokehead or in debt on my line of credit, but I'm also not, I mean, I'm not the most valuable commodity in the workplace, now am I.
"I know this feeling, I know this feeling well"
That's Ben Lee-- thank you, mel. Perhaps I'll sleepwalk out of my life, and into someone else's.
"teach me to sleepwalk, there's nothing I want more"
~
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