it's 7:04 am, on April 12, 2002 - recap.
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Studiously not moping again.
Things of note today: Al updated. Kitty also updated. Bobby, the amazing internet prophet, has turned twenty-one. He said to someone, that night, "want to go out and make some bad decisions?"
Bryant is stressed out. Speaking to Bryant, when it's not couched in either drinking, or jokes, stresses me out. I have always, always, wished for his respect when it came to my technical skill with words, and yet never seemed to get it. I also do not know what to say to him that isn't, "failure comes, and you just, you have to love, still, when it shows up."
Non sequitor: I only just realized I never installed ICQ. Wonder if Sue's up. To find out, I shall have to install ICQ.
So tonight, I have installed ICQ, talked to Sue for the first time in months or possibly more. I have. I have. nothing. Emailed Will. Today, I'm going to stay up, all day, and fucking fix my sleeping patterns. No more of this. No more of this.
No fucking more of this.
To amuse myself, I'm going to sit here and write, write, write. Possibly mail some things. Have a shower.
Sheila keeps telling me, right before she goes to bed, "believe nobody can do it better than you". and I, I guess I try to. but it's tough, it's tough and I have big problems with that.
Eric says that I should knuckle down and write a book, put it out there, and he thinks it'd get taken up. The thing is, a book is such a commitment. I can't commit to a wardrobe, to a mattress, to a meal. And I don't have a plot or any characters, I don't have. I don't know. --I have nothing to give.
So. Yes. I. It's odd. --I just put Ben Folds Five on, to test the mp3, and. Let's recap.
It feels like I've taken a step back in my life. I have gone from some-time student, buying her own food and, okay, cooking very rarely, but existing, to this lecherous thing who comes down from her room once an evening, to get food, and leaves maybe once every two weeks to go drinking at some neighborhood restaurant. She drives her parents' vehicle, and asks them for money for the gas. She has a credit card, and her major worries in life are, 'shit, did I tape that?' and 'I can't believe Justin broke up with Britney'. Most of her friends have moved on, and she hasn't talked to them in a while. She actually honest-to-god enjoys hanging out with her fifteen year old sister, and the most interesting thing she's done in a month or so is go to Boston pizza with her sister, her sister's boyfriend, Will, Will's boyfriend, Aaron's friend Livia, and her girlfriend. Speaking of her girlfriend, they haven't slept together in a while because she's terrified of this, even though it's already done and gone, because she doesn't know if she's any good. if, anything. She has two pieces of furniture in her room that matter, and the only one she'd want to bring with her if she moved is an IKEA desk, on which sits her computer, two nsync bobbleheads, two nsync marionnettes, a scanner, Shana's address, a notebook, and some hairpins. If she were to take stock of everything she's accomplished in the last year, while other people were out getting degrees and getting promotions and getting engaged and everything, she could say she finished 20 boyband fanfics, a few other fanfics, and bought some DVDs. Oh, and saw nsync twice in concert, as well as REM, the Barenaked ladies, and a bunch more. That is all she's done; made one new friend through Will, one in Sheila, written some shit, listened to some music, and spent money.
It. *I*. I don't seem to be worth much, do I? Some media. Some possessions. Wouldn't be so bad.
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