it's 2:58 am, on May 25, 2002 - "encore".
~
Am sitting here, online, and am full of love for people who don't know me right now.
See, I just listened to Majandra Delfino -- some day soon, I'm going to make a CD of her and post it away but anyway -- and there's this song. I highly recommend it. I'm calling it the Lance and Justin song, but that's just because I finished reading "great leap forward" while listening to it, and it made me cry, because romance, I don't, don't do romance, but I do this.
"Hell and Bliss" is the title. It says, love.
*
I went out with Aaron tonight, to Denny's on broadway, and ate french toast and listened to his complaints about living with Will. I guess life is getting pretty difficult for him, not having any phone or any car or any means of getting away that's not linked to Will. Some people work out being one of a pair, all the time every time, but it doesn't look like he is. Which I get.
So we talked about Will, and we drove around Vancouver, and we saw some people on their grad night with limosines in Stanley Park.
And apparently "buy now pay later" just came on, and immediately the mood does a 180 down, down, down. I was going to write a JC story to this, where JC and Lance are like, on a plane. And they're talking about the possibilities, between them. And Lance just says, "no". And JC feels like he's been shot. Because he had that hope and Lance said "no", because Lance doesn't have any hope, like that, left.
I was listening to this, coming home from Will's place, one night at four am. The line is, "and the road is long and you're falling asleep at the wheel."
No one in my life, I don't think, has ever said, "you're going to do something great". I can say it. It's probably true. But I don't think anyone else has said it. --This is inconsequential.
That really, really long conversation I had with Al, went something like: "do you need validation?" and I thought about it and tried to figure out. Do I? I don't know. I need to be able to speak.
*
Justin's probably already very drunk and Lance omits the probably as Justin pulls Joey into a deep kiss. Justin breaks off the kiss and says, "I know -- I know you loved me, but, you know, I thought, I was convinced for a long time that you were the love of my life. And you never thought that about me once, right?"
Joey runs his thumb across Justin's lips and says, "I'm sorry." He hugs Justin for a long time and Lance thinks it's one of the saddest things he's ever heard in his life.
Between that and this:
They all hug and everyone but Lance cries a little as they wait outside for cabs. And then it's just Justin and Lance and Lance can't help thinking this is wrong. He shouldn't be waiting with Justin, they shouldn't be the last two standing here. It should be Chris and Justin, or Joey or JC. Justin leans against him, crying. It's fucking freezing and they cling to each other. Because of the cold. Lance thinks it's because of the cold Chicago night that he's sniffling and his eyes burn. "I wanna go home," Justin snuffles against Lance's shoulder, and finally there's another cab and Lance waves an arm out. Lance doesn't know where Justin means, doesn't remember where Justin's mom is staying so they just go to Lance's hotel room.
Justin lolls against him in the back of the cab and almost falls asleep but when they get into bed, he starts crying again. "Fuck," Justin says, "I'm not in a band anymore. I'm a fucking crybaby and I'm not in our band and I miss the guys already." Lance rubs Justin's back until Justin falls asleep and feels inadequate to Justin's loss.
I can't seem to handle "encore". It's that ache.
~
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