it's 9:57 pm, on November 06, 2004 - arrogance.
~
There's a story that Al references on her quotes page, and it goes something like--
I spent ten minutes and I can't find it. but it went something like--
"It was pure arrogance, Lance thought - that JC could accept something that he wrote himself as being good enough to give away to someone else as a present. He didn't understand it."
It's that thing, being arrogant enough to think that something of yourself is worthy enough to give away - I'm haunted by that, off and on.
anyway, what I wanted to say - this is what I have to give, you know? pieces of myself are all I really know how to give away. I don't know you, I don't know you either, all I've got is what I can take into myself and spit back out. and it's sometimes a huge chunk, but that's all there is, that's all I know.
There's this cd that I bought, that has this song I used to put myself to sleep with while I was with Kyle. It's called--
And now I can't remember what it's called. I couldn't remember the exact quote, and now I can't remember the title of the song. It's by Katie Melua - "Call off the Search". that's what it's called.
Anyway, I used to put myself to sleep with it, because it went something like, "I won't stand around, waiting for an angel to come along, because you are in my life where you belong - now that I've found you, I'll call off the search". It made me happy before I went to sleep each night. She's this blues singer, and it just. Anyway.
So I bought her CD, and - isn't this stupid? - I can't play it. Because I bought it off Amazon, by the time it arrived Kyle and I were already no more. I haven't played it since it arrived. And I was thinking just now, maybe I could send it to Alestar for a christmas present, maybe she'd like this sultry voice and sadness all wrapped into one. The cd, I'm not going to call it a happy one, but it's full of heart.
But of course, how arrogant is it to think that something I value, something that has wormed its way into me, would be of interest to someone else? Sometimes I think this is the fight I struggle with each and every day.
I like to give things away, things that people originally gave to me. they have value, they have weight behind them, and so I pass them on to someone else. I don't know how to find something better to give as a gift. I don't know how to find something you'll like, I only know how to take something I already know is important in my world and give it to someone else.
I don't think I'll give Al the Katie Melua cd for christmas. I think maybe, maybe I should try so hard to find something I think *she'll* like.
--
I've been listening to Kinnie Starr, Praise!, again, and it always takes me back to Tennessee. She's not the whitlams, but she'll do. I mean, she'll be on the next caravan cd.
~
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