it's 8:41 pm, on January 09, 2005 - faith healing.

~

It's funny, because the whole last week worth of thoughts probably won't ever be read by the majority of people who might understand them - nevermind the ones that'd care - but here's one I'm hoping to leave up for a while.

I was cleaning my room (I'm a compulsive anti-packrat) and came across the journal I was keeping before I wanted to kill myself two summers ago. The idea was, write down the thoughts of myself that were important, and then I would be complete, I could cease. That's not the way it goes, but anyway. I want to put it away now, but leaving it where it was - some random thought about being jealous of Rae's girlfriend - seemed weird.

It's funny, because a lot of the entries are prefixed by some kind of song lyric that seemed overly appropriate. "what I chase won't set me free". "sleeping in a hollow log." "I wish the real world would just stop hassling me" - that's the song to which I had what would be the closest I've ever come to a nervous breakdown. "all the talk and all the lies and all the empty things disguised as me." "fame, boredom and a bottle of pills". "I have made the decision, never to give in."

Anyway, tonight I wrote one under the heading "I'm feeling much better just for today". It's funny to hear Johnny's intro to that song; he always says he wrote it at one of the blackest places in his life and yet I listen to it and somehow, feel better. I'll spare you the gritty details, but what I finally figured out was this:

"it feels like this trip has given me some faith back in something, and it isn't just a fictional something, it's a something that exists in reality every July and August, it's something in us, it's a family I'm really a part of, not one I just watch on tv. and I want that back."

I'm going to credit to no slim degree Bryant for this revelation - the last night we spent at the Griffin, things seemed to crystalize. I don't know. like I've said, I know that's not the end of the problem - apparently, unless you try really hard the personality you have stays the personality you have, so like as not I'm going to be moody the majority of my life. but that faith, that blind feeling, that's back.

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PS: for some reason my iTunes loves "99 dead baboons" and "twist my arm". those two are almost on repeat, 24/7. I hear the hip? and I hear Johnny instead of Gordie Downie. which, considering the first time I saw Johnny, I thought he was gordie downie, is surreal to say the least.

~

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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