it's 9:30 pm, on August 21, 2005 - hesitancy.

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Let me tell you, October 3rd is getting closer much faster than I'd like.

this is the thing: I never said to myself, I want to be a writer when I grow up. I have, in fact, laughed on the inside nearly every time I've heard someone say that. The reason is, every time someone says they feel it is their destiny to be a writer, or that they have to write, or that they're going to be a writer, it tends to signal that they're not very good.

Have I just offended the entirety of the legions that read this? probably. To all four of you, I apologize. I just haven't known anyone who craved to be a writer to be that good at it.

And really, you don't have to be that good at it to succeed - there are plenty of crappy books out there, plenty of crappy romances, crappy fantasy novels, crappy mysteries, crappy westerns, crappy modern fiction, and so on. just because you're not good at writing doesn't mean you're not going to end up a writer.

But I've never said I wanted to be a writer. there's a reason: I'm not sure I do.

Why did I ever think I should apply to a masters program at twenty three? the life experience I can apply to stringing words together could fit in a tea cup. A thimble. An eye-dropper. I'd rather be no kind of writer than the kind that isn't any good.

this is just a kind of anxiety; I'm sure it will sort itself out. I either apply, or don't apply. If I apply, I either get in or I don't. If I don't, no harm, no foul. Twenty-three is really too young to think you have something to say, anyway. If I get in--

I never wanted to be a writer, anyway. You know what's in my "currently working on" folder? The comic book scripts, a couple of scenes that are random and not going anywhere and really should be in the "discarded" folder, a sci-fi novella that's not very good and has been unfinished since 1999, three short stories less than 20 pages each, and a pathetic file called "poetry" that has about a dozen good lines for eight pages of attempts.

October 3rd is approaching much faster than I'm comfortable with. How could someone with this little output not flunk out of a program that would require upward of 20,000 words a term?

I never said I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, anyway. This is my hobby, not my calling. This is a skill, not a talent. Writing isn't something I need to do.

other than that, life is kind of boring.

~

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