it's 3:56 pm, on May 09, 2007 - pieces.

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so I have been denying myself joy - and in a strange way, that also includes denying myself misery - for a week now. I feel more clogged up than when I started instead of less, more heavy, more-- less focused. the planets are not aligned; I am not in a far orbit around the sun. things have the same perspective as they did before. I wanted some distance to try and figure out what really matters. instead, an answer is farther away than ever.

I had a brief moment this morning, waking up and then later at work, where I attempted to prepare myself to scream and shout, to allow the anger that I thought might be inevitable to burst forth. I prepared myself for what I'd say, what I'd yell. In the shower, I pictured storming out of rooms to let the emotions out of my head and into the atmosphere - but it was for nothing. the rest of this week has been, it's been. it's just been.

guess I thought that denying myself joy as well as misery would make something clear, that-- that-- that what? maybe I thought I'd *want* less, or want more, and thus the shape of my desire would be apparent. I still wake up in pieces.

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moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
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bruise - June 29, 2015

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