it's 11:52 am, on June 29, 2007 - emo octopus.
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things on my mind, a short list:
- perhaps I shouldn't have told the man that asked me on a date at work that I basically wasn't capable; it may have been good to try and, as they say, get back on the horse;
- there's a party tonight that I kind of do, kind of don't, want to go to; I can't decide if I'll have fun, because there's a chance Jo and Bryant might be there, but it's likely they won't - also, I still don't know if Brian will be showing up;
- canada day weekend is looking very full, but I can't decide if it's looking full of things I actually want to do - there's a party tonight, I've been thinking about niagara falls saturday, and sunday I could go to either the toronto ribfest or the canada day jam down there, OR the beach; monday is a write-off as you-know-who is coming into town;
- I don't know why these things don't appeal to me, except that they don't fit in with my idea of who I want to be spending my time with. which begs the question, who do I want to be spending my time with, because it doesn't seem to be anyone.
*
later in the day: I have now been invited to go to a movie tonight as well. I think really what I'm missing in my life - missing as in wishing I had, rather than simply absent - is a best friend, a lover, someone to always count into the plans I make, and someone who I know will be there, holding my hand, when I go somewhere or do something frightening. I've always attempted to put up a fiercely emotionally independent front, but apparently that's not so true. what I want in my life is someone when, should somebody call and say "what are you doing tonight?" I answer with 'we', not 'me'. is that so bad, I ask myself? it's not, because I've proven to myself that I am capable of being that person - but it's just not materializing. it's kind of pathetic, being lonely, but I am moving constantly forward.
oh, also: school starts in 2 months, and now that I've got the course list for at least what's being offered, I'm starting to get a large feeling of dread that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I mean, presentations? speaking in front of the class? what was I thinking?
in a way, this whole post reminds me of Zarya's journal title, which is "cheer up, emo squid". I'm sure it's something else, but it always reminds me of the mental image of the odie bar octopus in a funk, sad and dejected, leaking little inky tears out of his cartoon eyes. I think it's time to end right there.
~
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