it's 12:09 pm, on February 03, 2008 - avalanche.
~
the world pushes farther and faster ahead. everything is complicated, and self-loathing is the thread that holds it together.
calvino says that somewhere out in the wilderness there is a city that is enamoured with throwing out the past, with brand new things every single day, with the throwing out of things in an attempt to rid itself of some impurity. out there, he says, beyond that city's walls, is a veritable mountain of discarded objects, toothpaste, pianos, nearly-new items discarded by owners attempting to recreate something brand new. each day, he says, that city comes ever-closer to an avalanche, the street-cleaners that remove all the garbage precariously balancing more things outside the walls, breathing lightly to avoid the fall.
he says eventually, though, there will be that avalanche, and the city will be buried in things long discarded but perfectly fine, in working order. and garbage will rain down, garbage discarded only because the people to throw out the past.
I'm not sure whether my city has experienced an avalanche, or just the first few trickles, a boot, a notebook, a brand-new rain coat falling off the top of that delicately balanced pile.
I don't know what to do anymore. what's worse, because I discard the past like yesterday's newspaper, I'm not sure if I've always felt like this or if this is different and I'm finally learning something new. I can't put myself in a position to feel worse than I do now. I can't tell if this is just status quo. due to extreme distress, I want to think I'm learning something new. I want to think so; I suspect not.
perhaps what calvino didn't tell us is that on the outskirts of this city, there are always stray objects trickling in, there's always a single boot falling onto the roof in the middle of the night, there are always objects falling inside no matter how desperately the street-cleaners shovel them out again. maybe this is the constant avalanche; teetering on the edge of a disaster but never falling into it all the way.
~
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