it's 10:13 pm, on February 26, 2008 - happy fucking birthday?.
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note to self; the reason you didn't have internet at home to begin with is that you didn't want to make vaguely drunk posts like this.
in a way, I think in the last few days, due to heartbreak and trauma and desolation, my depression has broken. I suddenly and - I don't want to jinx it, but firmly? - realize that I deserve someone better suited for me than the person I wanted.
note I didn't say better, simply better suited. but it does mean - hopefully, desperately hopefully - another step away from wanting something that doesn't work. of course, one could argue that posting here is a roundabout way of wanting said person to miss me. I hate my second guessing of my own emotions; it's part of why I never discuss my feelings in the first place, because I don't trust that they're real.
I took the eHarmony test to see if it matched me with anyone, and I didn't; but it did say that I was emotionally stable, extroverted but reserved, organized but flexible, and independent and expected others to be too. I don't know if it got it completely wrong, or if I unconsciously lied to get the answer that I wanted, which in certain areas just happened to be the exact opposite of how i am. we all know that my self-image has taken a real beating in the last few years, after all.
i'm turning twenty-six next week, and in a large way I really wish it were just over with already. last birthday was just another example of how bryant and I couldn't get it together - my birthday was an example of my failure, rather than his - and this year I just want to forget about the whole goddamned thing and move another year towards oblivion, not even think about it at all. so much has changed and been burned to the ground in the last two years that I don't want yet another reminder of it.
I'm not bad, just tired and worn down. I can cope with anything, and I've always believed that; that's never been the issue in my life. the issue is always, why should I bother coping if all you get is more of the same?
~
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