it's 5:57 pm, on May 05, 2008 - made of fail is my favorite phrase these days.
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my current class at school is a 5-day intensive 'negotiation and mediation' class, wherein we're supposed to learn some of the skills to respond to conflict better and negotiate our positions effectively. today was the first lesson, and I keep thinking 'made of fail. liek whoa.'
case in point: life.
oh, and. I have half-convinced myself to drop the course. I don't mediate, I leave.
my anxiety levels are slowly reaching critical mass, and out of sight, out of mind, gives one only so much comfort. let me die before I wake! no, wait. let me take out that insurance, first.
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every once and a while - tonight being one of them, this stupid fucking class bringing in even more self-doubt - I read people's journals I shouldn't because it makes me sad, rather than angry and indifferently bitter. i'm not going to continue to take the class, because I have fear of not doing well in it, which self-perpetuates the fact that I'm not going to do well in it, because I am giving it up.
this is why I don't like classes that have the tendency to feel like a therapy session. didn't do well in that, either, and i'm getting nothing but older. it's not likely that I'm going to change now.
self-perpetuating. whatever. it doesn't matter what i'm like anymore because now I'm effectively only hurting myself.
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I had something else to say, vaguely related to the internet stalking that I wish I hadn't done, but I can't remember what it was. something about the cd i'm still creating, at least in my head, maybe. something about what would be on it? something about what wouldn't be on it. I don't know.
I been trained and blamed and rearranged, and life ain't any better or worse.
sometimes I wish I was a heroin addict or something so that it would be easier to excuse the sad existence I've found. --now I remember what it was I was going to say: going back through the last month of entries here, it's a bit like schizophrenia's hit. one day life is fine; the next it's the worst thing ever. those two things are always, always true, mostly at the same time.
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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
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bruise - June 29, 2015
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