it's 3:50 a.m., on 2001-05-15 - queer as Mikey.
~
I was talking to Rae, and it's qaf night, so obviously it was about that. And I said, 'I want to DO something! I want, to, I don't know! Bowl down the street. Meet some people. It feels like I don't know any people that, when I'm 29 and just about ready to be rejected from the scene, will still be there and ready to have me cry on them over my bastard of a dad crying.'
Because Brian's dad died, and I don't think Brian has that many friends, but Mikey was there. The night that Brian was trying to overdose on self-abuse, he started hitting on Mikey, and Mikey said, no, stop. So Brian said, 'isn't this what you've always wanted?' And Mikey answered, 'what, to be a distraction while you're high, a fuck to help you take your mind off your dad?' And Brian rolled over, and Mikey left.
But Brian called and said, emergency, and Mikey went to this bowling lane and said 'what the fuck, Brian?!'
So Brian bowls. Gets a strike. Relives a moment from his childhood where his dad was a bastard, and kisses Mikey right in the middle of the lane, to celebrate. He's gay. He's okay. And, Mikey was there.
They are so cute.
So later on, Brian throws the bowling ball away, and Mikey's still there. And they stand there in the middle of the road, and Brian starts crying. See. Mikey's always there for him.
I love these guys.
I just said to Rae, "I could be that. But I end up getting bored of people I use like Mikey, and move onto the next one."
So she says, "fuck! now I'm all morose that I might not have friends whose shoulder I can cry on after bowling down the street, etc, in 10 years."
And I told her, "I'm all morose I don't have a jeep."
This is a fundamental thing, I think. This is, I think I've hit on something. When I know what it is, I'll let you know.
~*~
Later in the night; Lynx and Staff ended up pushing me to write Matrix fic, and now I have a whole Switch-origin story half-plotted out and I'm waiting for Lynx to start writing more. And halfway through waiting for her, I started writing Spike in the Shadowlands again, and I think I know what I want to do with Spike-- I want to have him find a Dawn and start yelling, and make her cry.
'You did this! It's your bloody fault! There are things beyond these dimensional boundaries that would consider you a *canape*.'
And she'd start crying. And the benefit of these shift stories, I think, is that River and I have kept the main character relatively close to what the character on the show is like, no AUs at all. I mean, none of them are totally *there*, but none of them are alter-people, either.
They're just not coping well.
The universe is AU enough.
~*~
And okay, I thought I was done, but I guess I'm not. I just read Kirst's journal entry where she says, I have certainty in my life-- I want to be a writer', and I started to think.
See, I don't have that, but I don't really need it. I don't have a burning desire to feel complete with a life plan. I've never wanted to know these things. I enjoy writing, and I do it well, and relatively consistently. I need more practise-- I think I've plateaued again, I have to find some other way to learn. Maybe, harsher beta readers. Maybe, an actual class. But I'm learning. I'm good. Yeah.
But I don't buy into the belief that writing is 'inspired'. I don't believe that you have to be an artistic mind to do it; like that guy in Dune said, 'Mood is not for fighting-- mood is for wooing young women, boy.'
Mood is not for writing, either. At least, not for me. Just about any time of day or night I'll be able to write something. My problem isn't that. My problem isn't inspiration or motivation, not really.
I have the attention span of a fly. And the willpower of a gnat.
I have NO willpower. I can't pick something and make it stick. That's why I don't do well with addictions or schoolwork or life plans. I want to be a gypsy because they don't have to have any will power.
And I don't have any will power to stick with anything, an addiction or not. I get addicted, and I stop. I want to do something, but I don't have the willpower to actually make myself do it.
But I'm okay with that. I just, I wish life didn't want to make me be otherwise. ;)
~
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