it's 2:48 p.m., on 2001-05-28 - SubCon, the after-glow.
~
It's good to be home.
I'll tell you why.
Because I can lay around in my underwear, and I can relax on my own, and I can get some sleep in a room to myself. Cause there's food around, and nowhere I really really really have to go. I've got a shower all to myself, and I don't have to worry too badly about being noisy and stuff.
But guess what. It's horrible to be home.
Lemme tell you why.
Because I'll never, ever get the image of Dex's face at Starbucks out of my head. Because Dande, piss-drunk, stood on the roof of her car and yelled to the world, 'This car is fucking *mine*, damnit!' and meant it as a terribly important thing-- which it is, because it's her car, it's her movement. Because KJ actually let us write all over her with permanent ink and did nothing to stop it; because JB didn't let us write all over her, but we did it anyway.
Because Pebblin can play basketball, and can drive, and is Pebs, and how can you not love her.
Because the Buffy finale *HURT*, goddamnit. Because Dia suggested Cable/Stryfe, and then we discussed the rational reasons behind the break-up of relationships within mutants, and how to portray damaged relationships, and it felt *right*.
Because Sparks pointed out that the man making a sand-donut was probably digging up bodies.
* Because Falstaff and I laughed for almost half an hour about snow-kangaroos, which is frightening and yet amusing. Because, when I don't have a ride, I'm with Ashlan. Because JB and her family are saints, all. Because Al was a shining person, y'know, and can't play basketball. Because Kael is the sweetest thing in the world, and a comfort unto herself. Because Denny's makes cherry-lemonade and crappy food.
Because, in the middle of a parking lot, there were over a dozen people in a group hug, talking about the things they'll never forget, and it was this *vibe*, all at once and from everyone, and I was giddy.
Because, because, because.
Just told river, 'I'm quiet and-- and reflective. A little externally sad-- things making me sad, not me making things sad. Feeling Brian.'
Which is true.
I'm giving her abstract words, like 'friends', 'family', 'home', and saying, 'tell me about this'. I'm playing a 'give me answers' game, and I'm playing the 'I miss y'all' game.
She said 'home is where you put down your coat and then get trampled down by people demanding to know why you weren't around when the hot water tap needed fixing'. And 'family is people you decide to call kin and people who share your genes in really loopy ways of their own.'
Because sometimes, things *can* end well, and everything that was said in the group hug? I can't remember it all, but it doesn't matter, because I know that it was just another kind of fort. That's what matters, not what was said.
Riv said, 'friendship: People you wanna spend time in fortresses with.'
I want to build a fortress, and invite all of you in, I'm that happy and sad and full.
Because Dex is a sweetheart, underneath and on top, and because he does know it, and doesn't. Because Mel can tell drunken stories about a naked Aaron for almost half an hour, and have us laughing the whole time. Because Maelie is SUCH a cutie.
Because things can be bad some of the time, and still end well. Not every moment was lightness and glee, not everything is a good memory. I have a couple of neurotic moments I remember. But they weren't bad enough that I don't miss the building, the pillows, and the vibe that came from being someone-- not someone important, but *someone*, in the collective fort in the parking lot a few miles away from JB's house.
River and I are discussing London next year, and her out-of-the-army con. See, what I'd love to do is this: meet in london and then go out to the country somewhere so we can get a cheap house for a few weeks with a bit of a yard, maybe, in a village with a market and a pub, or somewhere a bit cheaper like Brighton or Dover or something, by the coast. And we could tent it in the yard, and crash everywhere, and we could be *together* and have long walks and quality time apart, all the ficcers getting to know each other one-on-one, and it would be perfect.
And it gets better. After that, we could go to the mainland, train it around there like everyone always wants to and Mel suggested. Roman ruins, Spanish villas, beer gardens, churches, hostels, graveyards, and shopping malls. Then, when it was time to go home, Riv and I could go to North Africa and see the pyramids and Carthage and Morocco, sand dunes and mud bricks and mosques.
And then we could go to Israel and-- be. Find some lizards, get them to teach us how to sing.
The places mean very little, with cons. I did nothing this whole weekend but sit in coffee shops, parking lots, parks, and restaurants. But people moved around me, quarks and universes unto themselves, talked, communicated. It was, in some ways, a meeting of beats, Beats whose whole lives depended on motion and each other.
None of us are parked-- we're all moving. I might not be able to remember everything you said, but we built with pillows and hugged.
Friends, all.
~
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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015
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