it's 7:49 p.m., on 2001-07-21 - intense shame about lipgloss.
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Mostly from friday night; postscript from Saturday. Yeah. Um.
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random pre-entry things of note: lance is still the tin-man. sheila is writing a story about a camel and the incas. in the Corner today we talked about fic for so very very long; it was rather exciting. I am beginning to appreciate why everyone really likes Tapestry; I might be developing a bit of a writer's crush, there. She is muy cool. --there is an argument in comicfic right now. it makes me ill. I hate people fighting. yelling makes me cry.
but anyway. okay. real entry now. That was all gratuitous, really-- I just wanted to tell y'all about the camel.
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I just watched the very end of the lockdown episode of OZ; as such, I'm feeling incredibly needy.
I thought I'd share.
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Toby makes me feel needy, because I'm a shithead. Toby makes me feel needy because I need him to lie to me and tell me that I'm not-- when he doesn't tell me these things I feel more shitty. I need Toby to approve of me. I want him not to approve of me so that I can hate myself for real.
I need toby. he doesn't need me.
And so on.
I'm feeling these things. I'm feeling... oh, I don't know. Ashlan and I discussed today our incredibly diverse language, how we speak in a relative dialect that no one fully understands but us. We say things and they mean things to us. But whereas most dialects that I've collected up with people are lofty, Ashlan and I have colloquialisms. We have blond moments, and from those, we get blood. We get.. more.
Toby makes me feel needy because I believe in him; he wraps his arms so tight. He wraps himself so tight. He. I.
these prison bars wrap tighter. but he blocks them out.
I have need of someone's arms; habeo opus manibus tuis.
luna humiliter in caeli est.
I went to get my latin textbooks to write those things. And my dictionary.
credideram eum; ille fecit mihi persuasi eum mentior non potimus nararre. haec credidi, sed mendax erant.
I believed Toby; he made me to persuade myself that he wasn't able to tell lies. these things I believed; but they were untrue.
Whatever. Latin pushed aside.
I still feel the need to have someone's arms. I don't, I mean. I want. cupio. I have wanted. cupivi. I had wanted, cupiveram.
I need toby.
I don't know the verb for 'need'. This seems important, in chris keller's mind, but not in mine, because this is quarter to midnight thinking, not normal thinking. it's remnants of a time when a beecher/keller moment could make me cry.
I am the tin-man, now. I have a hollow inside. habeo vacuum. I have an emptiness. habeo vacuum.
I wage war. gerero bellum. I think. I love. amo. I have love. habeo amore.
Et in arcadia, ego.
And in arcadia, I am.
Toby don't know a fucking thing. Toby don't know how I love him, Toby don't know how it stings when he doesn't look at me. Toby don't know shit. He ain't the one burning here. He ain't the one that aches.
Toby, toby. do you ache. doleo. tu doles?
cupiebam flere. dormiam.
* * * * *
That's all from last night -- I was unhappy and I was Oz'ing. Today, I was bitching about how I wasn't a gypsy... I was making plans in my head to alter my car, whatever it may be, to take alcohol, and get a mattress in the back. I told my aunt that a gypsy needs a tribe. And you can amass a tribe while you're on the road, but you have to start with two. One is the loneliest number.
I am one of two. I want to be one of two. cupio esse una duae. Or something. I don't know. Apparently my great grandfather had romani blood. I have romani blood. Apparently, that's where the coloring and the hair comes in.
I want, I want, I so *want*. I want.
--yeah. Nothing else interesting to say; I wanted to mention the need. Nothing new.
Oh. I bought-- no, I can't even say that. But I got someone to buy for me lipgloss from the wizard's house. I have lipgloss. from the yellowbrick road.
*facepalm*
They all smell bad except Dorothy. he's watermelon.
I have such a shame.
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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
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bruise - June 29, 2015
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