it's , on - some things I cannot say.
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Today, I think I'm going to write a list of things that I can't say.
Or I'm going to try.
First of all I'm going to list 'I need you' and 'I love you'. See, I just told ashlan that I needed her and it felt so strange. because -- lemme tell you about my ex named Mike.
Mike wanted me to say 'I love you'. I learned quickly that it was bad to lie like that. I don't lie like that. I don't intend to lie like that ever again. He also told me that he needed me-- I fucking knew that. It was hard not to know that, the way he was. It was hard not to know everything about mike.
But, so. I can't say 'I need you' or 'I love you' because they have ritualistic meanings attached to them, for me. I just told ashlan 'I need you' and I'll tell you why I do, at least tonight. and other nights. She is someone that I'm sure of; she isn't going to think less of me if I freak out and if I play fucked up little teenager at me. That's what I mean when I say 'I'm sure of her'-- I know that she's not going to change her opinion of me if I'm a fucking dork or a crackhead or, y'know.
you know, Rob Thomas always sounds a little bit angry. Huh.
Anyway.
So I can tell Ashlan 'I need you' because I need someone around that I can just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk at. someone where if all they do is sit silent, I'll feel better and I'll feel okay about talking and talking. I need her because of that. I need someone that I'm sure of when I feel like I have to say things. Because I am self-absorbed. She's someone who I can be self-absorbed around and not feel guilty, I think is the key.
I say that 'I love her' because she is a friend that I love; and I need her because she's nothing complicated. There is nothing complicated in my feelings towards Ashlan or our feelings together, and I need that.
You know what I mean.
But anyway. There's things that I can't say. Another is 'I promise' for the same reason; I attach ritualistic meaning to those words. Like the greeks, I'm hella-superstitious. I ain't saying it unless I know I can keep it.
What else can't I say.
I can't say, 'I'm sure'. I can't say, 'I know what I want'. I can't say, I don't know. I've forgotten.
I don't know. non cognosco.
I find myself using Latin to hide behind lately online; like, if there's something I want to say but I don't know the tone, I'll put it into Latin and I'll use the repetition of a different language to break down the meaning of whatever I'm trying to say.
I don't know what to say about a lot of different people; I don't know what to say to Al most of the time, I often don't know what to say *about* River. How do you explain that she's you camel-bearer? How do you say 'I have all these things I think I want to *say* to you, I want to get to know those things... but I want you to *want* to. I don't want to be the only active member because it scares me. I lose my surety so fucking easy when I think you're better than I am.'
--side note. Sheila just said 'babble. it's cute'. Hee. And I'm going on about REM to her. Yeah. I wanna be Michael Stipe.
REM make me happy.
Lance is so often sad.
Lance gets lonely on the road, so he gets people to call him. Lance prefers the love of strangers.
There's something else that Al and I decided. Or, I asked and she decided. She said that Lance is impatient because he's been waiting for something his entire life.
"I want everything I do and say to be a response."
"So what's this?"
"I got tired of waiting."
And I don't know. I think that Lance is moving-- Al says he has to be moving all the time-- he's fluid. He's the one that's going to make it, he's the one that knows what to do to be sucessful, maybe. But it's because he doesn't really know how to really be; he just learns on the way. He starts out young and he learned quick and what he learned was: things always change. So you can't trust people. Thus, comes anger and sadness.
Chris sat, watching Lance tap his foot, then shift his luggage from one hand to the other, then finally he sat in the plastic chair and folded his hands carefully in his lap. Some people would think that Lance had accepted they were going to be in customs for fuck-all forever; some might know better, and that he was more impatient now than he when was shuffling from foot to foot.
Some people, but not Chris, might suspect Lance of being duplicitous. Chris knows it. Just the other day in an interview they were asked who was the biggest liar-- it kind of happened by accident but they all pointed to Lance. He made that cute little smile... but he didn't deny it.
It's true. They've gotten used to it.
He lies because he doesn't trust people.
I consistently use the pronoun 'I'. I hate that about myself.
Lance is either moving or angry or sad or, or. He's always impatient in these switches; he doesn't give himself enough time to get beyond waiting for the next thing to show up in his head.
As soon as he becomes something, he waits to become something else.
*
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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
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bruise - June 29, 2015
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