it's 3:25 am, on September 06, 2001 - chris'es and resentment.

~

I'm thinking about removing myself from this forum for a while; from all online-journaling. It has to do with bitterness; also, resentment. I don't want to get into it, but aside from the occasional comment from Xander, and missing claire's poetry, I don't know if I'll be missing out on much. The original reason I got an online journal is irrelevant now, and I need the time to study for school and get myself a real fucking life.

It's three in the morning. This will be short. I really don't have much to say; I'm a happy person, but I'm also happy because I'm relatively independent and I can shrug off anything that would make other people unhappy. Choosing between the tin-man and someone who feels upset and bad all the time, fuck, who cares that I eat oreos in a week. (Whoo, a bad fic reference.)

I'm feeling like shrugging things off right now. Also, 'gone' by nsync is stuck in my head and I don't particularly like it, so I'm in a nasty bitchy mood.

I just want to tell myself, get over it.

Okay, so I wrote some Chris/Justin that ended up being totally personal and bitchy but this is me, this is me non-edited, and that's what I always pride myself on. See my twat. Yeah. I dunno.

~*~

Chris wants to tell himself, 'get over it', looking in the mirror; he wants to nod back, and he wants to go back out there and deal with looking at Justin and not, wanting anything else.

Because yeah, they're not speaking it seems and Chris gets that, okay? He just needs a while to find the right rhythm again and what the boundaries are. So far, they're pretty fucking far away, and it kinda hurts a little, and Chris kinda resents it because they do live together and he does think about Justin a lot, but hey, whatever, he guesses, that's the way it goes.

He has a long sleeved shirt on, and he keeps playing with the cuffs. It shouldn't be this easy to hide out from someone on a bus, but hey, it's a pretty big bus and life is big, too. JC is sleeping, even, and Chris could go into the front room and pop a movie in and they could probably watch it and talk a little bit.

It's the not-quite-talking-in-his-direction that Justin's doing that's beginning to hurt. Break-up doesn't have to mean stomach-pain, and Lance and Joey are around to prove it. This time, it just, it does.

Chris mutters, "Moron."

His reflection agrees. He rolls his eyes, stretches his shoulder, and hears something crack, far off. The shirt he has on is Joey's, with some snarky comment on it. Chris wants it to say just, 'bitch', because he's more confrontational than the rest of them, at least when he's thinking in his own head.

Justin is now eating a sandwich. Chris can see him, out of the doorway of the bathroom, and he looks way too good. Too, high up. Celebrity. Yeah.

Chris stops looking at Justin's back, looks back in the mirror. He wants to go out there and have the akwardness over, the friendship back in full swing, but one of them will have to make a move and Justin is completely mystifying. And yeah, Chris isn't the most observant of people but anyone, fuck everyone, would have to admit that right now Justin's going over the top in complete un-translatability. For Chris anyway; other people can probably read him.

Then again. Chris never did know what he was thinking. Maybe he didn't want to.

That thought makes something queasy. Chris sighs, gives up on the mirror. There are lots of things he wants from Justin, and lots of things he wants now they're not together, but all of them have fallen to the wayside, given up. Maybe Chris can't work hard enough at them. Mostly, now, he just doesn't want, and is trying to do so as hard as he can.

~*~

Yeah, so, that's my self-pretentious pseudo-bitching, because even though I'm not really suffering post-breakup resentment, I resent anyone who ends up proving to myself that when I believe people thinking of me a certain way, it tends to be less than I saw.

You'd think it would be anger, depression, upset. I'm not that upset anymore. And I'm not really, I mean, anger comes (for me) only when I see someone doing something they can help, and that they don't necessarily want, but are doing just to piss me off. I don't get angry. It's like, I don't get jealous. I get frustrated and I get resentful.

right now I'm really feeling 'bite the hand that feeds you'. I just wish I hadn't become so invested, because it's a crock of shit and I don't need something to be bitter about. At the core, I'm a happy person.

Fuck off.

--hey, one more thing. I think this Chris is way more like Keller than Kirkpatrick, in a lot of ways. Whatever. I don't even care.

~

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