it's 7:56 pm, on November 07, 2001 - shock and heartache.
~
I just got an email that, totally cut my strings internally.
I'm listening to 'if you're gone' by Matchbox 20, and really, this *wasn't* the best choice, but I had to, because I'm melodramatic, and I have to feel *something* *sometime*, even if it's false and fucking post production, and, and.
When did I get so self absorbed I forgot how to feel?
I bet Chris wonders that.
~*~
So, this is the story. I'm talking to Matt. I just replied with a really long email to something that maybe, shouldn't have had a long email, just *because*, but I had to. I mean, yeah. I had to. I have to try and keep something that isn't, disconnected.
It's not that I normally mind being disconnected -- but if it causes this, I'm going to have heartache. I just, I mean. Okay. I'm in the Corner right now. I just joked with Alicia. I'm managing outwardly to not look heartbroken.
Does this mean that I don't, feel this loss, really, except where I'm pushing myself to? Or does it mean that I'm just a liar outwardly, and don't show my true colors to anyone anymore?
Yeah, I'm feeling rather Lance.
Maybe I'm feeling more, Remy. I'm.
I don't even know what I'm feeling.
--for once, I'm not feeling guilty about the continual usage of the pronoun 'I'. Think I've deserved a bit of selfishness. Right now. Because.
(I'm now talking to Alicia about random present buying. I sent Doqz a copy of 'Rumi'. I sent a package out, that maybe hasn't even gotten there yet, with a packet of little cocktail umbrellas in it. I suppose it shouldn't matter but it, I.)
Do I want to call it back, now, post-production, and make sure that it stays, the ending, so that at least things are simple and the way we say they are?
(I'm talking to Ari about winter boots. How am I doing this?)
Rae says that she admires in people, more than anything else, a sense of independence. I should take a poll, and I just did, asking whether I'm emotionally independent. Matt's not in the Corner, and his answer would probably be most revealing, but probably scary. Plus, he said earlier today that he couldn't see me in love -- he said that I seemed, 'too cool' for being in love'. I think that might be an affectation that I picked up off my mental picture of Al. And kept because, that's what I do.
--Put on more Matchbox 20.
So, okay, Shai said that I am when I want to be, and Ashlan said, ditto. Doqz said yes, because I have no problems disagreeing with people. Doqz said... you know what? Pasting the conversation would probably be quite enlightening. My first wife, Mitai, is being rather astute.
[Lise-] Okay, I'm asking, because I'm really curious now, anyway. --Do you guys think that I'm, emotionally independent?
* Ashlan blinks. Uhm. I dunno. never thought about it.
[ShaiPeriHawk] Only when you want to be.
[Doqz] Yes. I mean you have no trouble disagreeing when you need to.
[Lise-] Ash: Well, do you think that I, sort things out for myself, and emotionally, not rely on people?
* Ashlan agrees with Shai.
[Doqz] Lise: You're juxtaposing it oddly I think. it's easier of you do it from the opposite side. is there a person that you depend on to make your decisions or decide your feelings about whatever?
[MitaiWriting] Lise - I don't know. Do you think you're emotionally independant? And what made you ask?
[Lise-] Just thinking. I really can't decide, right now. *g*
[Lise-] Doqz: I--dunno.
[MitaiWriting] Lise - which would you prefer? =)
[Lise-] Tai: Don't know that, either. *G*
[MitaiWriting] Lise - are you seeing anyone?
[Lise-] Tai: Yes.
[Doqz] You are so very, very frigtfully, tragically, unbeliviebly bored right now, aren't you?
[MitaiWriting] Lise - have you been seeing them for some time?
[Lise-] Tai: Yep.
[Lise-] Kind of.
[MitaiWriting] Lise - do you think that you're emotionally attached to that person, or just conscious of their feelings and thoughts?
[Doqz] How can you be seeing someone and be emotionally attached?
[Doqz] Lise: I am not sure I get where mitai is coming from. Emotional attachement is a rather nebulous concept.
[Doqz] Friendship is an emotional attachment.
[MitaiWriting] Doqz - Yes, but not emotional reliance.
Anyway. It disintegrated after that, but. Doqz and Mitai seem to know quite well.
~*~
I've forgotten where I was going with the whole, emotional reliance thing. I think I wanted to know whether, emotionally, I was independent, but I'm no closer the answer.
Uh.
Matt says 'Very. You rely on other people for stability, but not emotion.'
I just want to be. --that's a Michael Stipe line. I bet he didn't rely on other people for emotion.
I think, that's why I hate it when I use the pronoun 'I' so much. I mean, it. I don't know. --Michael Stipe is saying, "I had too much to drink, and I didn't think, and I didn't think of you." Even that -- "I didn't think of you." *I*.
--see, I don't feel all that emotionally independent. I'm stuttering at Cathy, and I've been talking with Matt, off and on, for about an hour and a half now. And every time I seem to talk to Matt *or* Cath, like, seriously, it seems to be me with a problem.
Oh, btw. My twinkie friend? Is still on coke. Last weekend, he went to the gay club here, got high in the bathroom with some guy who had it, brought him home -- I bet he drove -- and then the other guy was so gone, it was all about my friend. I called it. Whoring, drugs. Depression. One, four and five, so to speak, Bri.
That was a random thought. I'm in a life where the random thought that 'my twinkie friend got off his face on coke and brought some guy he picked up home' is really, true. That's surreal in a queer as folk sense.
Lots of this is surreal in a queer as folk sense.
~*~
I think I'm going to stop now, because I'm talking to Tappy about a commision, and that's *fun*, and I'm talking to Cathy, and I'm, you know. Maybe it's repressing. Maybe it's just distant.
I can't. I. I. Fucking *I*.
~
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