it's 11:50 pm, on November 15, 2001 - the bits you want to see.
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So I wrote Julad, about that story that I wasn't sure whether it was happy or sad -- remember that? Anyway. She said that the ambiguity came from her ambiguity regarding Justin himself -- there is duality, more than duel, in her work because her feelings are not set.
I can respect that. I do respect that. It came up with a whopper of a story. That fucked with my head.
Rae emailed me like, a really short email that said, 'that story? yeah. so not happy ending'. So I don't feel so bad about having it fuck with my head. It's like one of those stories you read, like Lord of the Flies, and you don't have to read it again because it'll stay with you your whole life.
I don't know.
I had something else to-- oh, yes. I had an omlette for dinner tonight, and I know that I'm coming down with the flu because I was sick enough, had no tastebuds, because the eggs actually tasted good.
Something else I wanted to talk about is my insane fear at having to do a presentation next Tuesday on Alexander the Great's relationship with Hephaestion. You don't know how tired I am of writing the name 'hephaestion' right now. I have 3400 words, and I'm not finished yet. I think I've gone OVER the wordcount.
I'm terrified, regardless.
Last night, Doqz was talking about how he's worried about getting into grad school, and worried about, just, school. I was the positive one last night; it was fun. I wish I could date him, I really do -- it would be such a great thing. I mean, yeah. There is deep affection brewing for that guy. I want to hang out in coffee houses in the middle of the night, frantically panicking about school work and chanting in Latin with him. And I want to move to UoT with him and Ali, and start that big classics orgy that Matt said we'd have. Tap, of course, would be an honorary member.
I also want to drive, with him and Cathy, along abandoned superhighways, and find frantic oblivion and release.
Okay, that's not one, but two movie references to the open road. Fight Club and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, natch, baby. One day I'm going to work in an 'In the Army Now' reference into here, and y'all can pray for my souls.
I wrote claire a postcard today. It was one I'd originally bought for Al, but when I got it home, not only did I realize that I didn't have her new address, but that it was all wrong for Al. It had rows and rows and rows of people, lined up in a half-built building, and you couldn't see their faces. They reminded me of bees, and so I thought of claire. It suited my mood of the moment. Will find a better one for Al later on.
I don't know, really, what else there is to say. I so don't feel well, and I'm getting really frantic and worried about school -- I need someone here to calm me down and force me to go to class and cope.
I just want that damned presentation over with. I'm so terrified, so much so that I want to just curl up.
I just asked Cath what she thought of the end, and she said, "I got a happy vibe. Well, more like, umm, comfort. Like everything was okay."
That's two votes against happy, and one vote for.
Julad said, People seem to read it differently according to their view on Justin anyway, and those fond of Justin seem mostly to think it's a happy ending. I think it's true for any story that people just kind of see the bits they want, in the end.
I guess that means, I don't know what I wanted to see. Regardless, I like the line. I think, of Julad's, that's what I'm going to keep.
So. Tired.
~
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