it's 10:49 pm, on April 07, 2002 - studiously not moping.
~
This is me, studiously not moping.
Thinking back to the last few months, I've realized how many people that used to be friends of mine that I've, alienated. I know that this is a trait that most people possess, in some form or another, but while I was sitting down with Will, and Aaron, and Shauna, and Rae, I realized that I'd known Rae less than two years, and Aaron for two weeks.
The other people that I've alienated include my old roommate, many of her friends, many of my friends from the same era, and in many ways, everyone I knew from before, save Will. I don't speak to many people that live in this city. I know very, very few people who aren't into either fic, or slash, in some way, and precious few people that I know that way are close.
It's times like this that I miss Cass so much, y'know?
...okay, this is me, moping. In a controlled manner, however. I put on the Counting Crows, sure, but nothing too harsh.
And it's not like I really need that much companionship, most of the time. I don't know when that happened, or whether it was always that way-- whether I learned to do without because I didn't have it, or whether I always liked it this way. I know the computer does not replace flesh and blood friends, but it's starting to feel like I'm one of those people that are going to grow up to be forty, live in a basement, go to work, come home, and no know one outside my own family, and not even be close to them.
...okay. This is me moping, un-controlled.
Back on track.
This is me, studiously not moping. Instead of thinking about who I've lost, I'm going to quote Adam Duritz.
"We all wanna be big, big, big, big stars, yeah, but then we get second thoughts about that."
Yeah.
So I saw 'death to smoochy' today, and it was funny, in a, weird way. It was an odd movie. It was a good movie, but it was odd. Also, slash-a-riffic. Then came home, watched Ocean's Eleven, which, hello, slash-a-riffic as well.
You know, I hate journal entries that go, "today I did this, then did this, then this. This is how I feel. This is what I'm doing tomorrow." I hate them. I barely ever read them.
I watched movies today, then I came home, then. A minor chord, is how I feel. Tomorrow, I'm.
And I wore orange today, under my clothing, to ward off the evil. All I got was tired. Pete's song is still rattling around in my head. Yeah. Okay.
Melly says to write porn to cheer me up.
*
Justin grunted, and let his breath out. Lance shifted, on top of him, and after a long moment, said, "Are you okay?"
Justin was rubbing his face, over and over, laying on the pillow. He nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay."
"Okay." Lance put a hand on Justin's back. "Did it hurt?"
"No," Justin lied. "No, I'm okay."
*
I don't think that cheered me up. Apparently, Aaron has secrets about Will that Will doesn't want told. I think that that's good. I think I may be a little bit jealous of Aaron, even though I can't really tell, properly. --I deleted a whole paragraph of trying to explain this, after careful consideration, because I always believe that I should be honest about feelings, if I decide to talk about them at all, because otherwise what's the point in talking about them?
Hm. That wasn't very pornographic.
*
Justin woke up the next morning and found a condom in the garbage, and the wrapper in his bed. He actually found the wrapper first, because he had to get up for a glass of water, and it fell out of the sheets when he stood.
Lance turned over, as he got back into bed. He said, "Justin?"
Justin didn't say anything. Lance grunted. "Justin, what's wrong?"
Justin didn't feel comfortable enough to put himself into Lance's arms. Lance didn't offer. Justin laid back down, after setting his water glass carefully on the bedside table. He finally mumbled, "Nothing, really."
Lance rolled over. Justin shifted, carefully. He was really sore.
*
There's this line, I want to use, but I don't want to say it.
so anyway. Tomorrow, I will make a deposit in the bank, however meager, and let my money sit. Then I will. Check the mail, probably, in the hopes that my photocards will have arrived. Nsync isn't the comfort it once was, though I still want them, though my bracelet is still telling me to do my thing. Yes, little bracelet, I will. I will. I guess.
mope. mope.
Want OZ on dvd. Want Nikita to be released on DVD. Mope.
In lieu of more moping, I'm just going to quote out 'is jesus your pal', by Gus Gus, which was used in Nikita. Because somewhere, there should be a fic.
is jesus your pal
do you call out his name
when you're conscience is shivering
do you need someone too
just like those people who
find peace in someone's promises
you sure don't need my promises
so come and sit on my box
enjoy the view of this water
while my lifeboat is sinking
if you open your eyes
take a look at this mess
could you fake your reflection, child
if you reach out for more
you find nothing but sorrow
cause knowledge is hollow
and pride is hard to swallow
so come and sit on my box
enjoy the view of this water
while my lifeboat is sinking
~
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