it's 1:14 am, on April 16, 2002 - aaron's death.
~
I had half an entry written up, about why I'd like to meet nsync, what their attraction as people is. How they're just people people, and how the temptation of getting to know people -- any people -- who know how to have fun is high, in me. And lots of shit like that.
But that was at Rae's and then I never actually posted it, so bollocks. Still not sleeping. Still working on traipsing to Orlando. Bobby, god bless him, wrote about his trekking to Hawaii. apparently, he slept on the beach.
I dreamed something last night that was weird. I liked (appreciated?) the dream, because it was very real feeling, very -- like if a narrative of harsh proportion came to life. (Aside: I just tried to spell "came" with a k. anyway.) It wasn't a nice dream by any stretch of the imagination. It was kind of a nightmare. But I liked it. mostly I liked it cause I like detective thriller type desperate stories.
One thing to explain is, I dream about shit that's going to happen all the time. The thing is, I never remember it until it's happening, and it's never big stuff. But two or three times, I've woken up and had the kind of odd, more traditional prophetic dream. Woke up in cold sweat. Vague images. Impending doom. --Nothing I've dreamed has come true yet, but it's the kind of knee-jerk fear that makes you call someone in the middle of the night to double check that they're still okay.
Looking back on the imagery itself, and my first gut-wrench when I woke up, this was kind of like that. I'm half-tempted to call Will and make sure aaron's okay. Anyway. I'm too lazy to explain in detail, when I just told Mel. so.
*
MellyPol: Not getting your sleep, Ms, not even on Aussie time?
thissugarcane: Um, kinda.
thissugarcane: I slept for a few hours and dreamed that a serial killer had taken aaron. whoever the fuck aaron is.
thissugarcane: and then, um. that. I was hitting things. and nervous, and angry. Very chris-like dream. it was odd.
MellyPol: Aaron the naked dude. *nod* Azza doesn't deserve to be serially killed.
MellyPol: Chris-like?
thissugarcane: *giggle* not that aaron. I think the aaron I was thinking of was. skinny. brown hair. I wanna say Will's boyfriend but not quite.
thissugarcane: chris-like in the emotions. I was a. nervous, b. terrified, c. annoyed at crying people who were showing it, and d. angry, and wanting to hit things.
MellyPol: You think he gets that nervous?
thissugarcane: no, but.
thissugarcane: nervous. cause of the waiting.
thissugarcane: nervous energy. if that makes sense.
thissugarcane: because we didn't know what was to happen.
MellyPol: *nod* Yeah, I know what you mean.
thissugarcane: yeah. anyway. it was a weird dream. it was cool, once the nervous energy wore off.
MellyPol: Cool?
thissugarcane: like, the feeling was another I haven't had before.
thissugarcane: ...seeing as I've never been responsible for someone's disappearance.
thissugarcane: it was good thriller type emotion.
MellyPol: *grin* Responsibility?
thissugarcane: um, I think that me and this other guy, possibly a cop, were the ones that found out that aaron had been taken. and, there was this whole bit about how the killer usually booby trapped places or something? or something, cause we were expecting an explosion. and I know, before all the grieving people showed up, I said, "it would have been better if the apartment would have blown".
thissugarcane: cause like, then I'd be dead and I wouldn't have to wait. or something.
thissugarcane: and then, like, people showed up to wait for news. and my cousin was there, crying her eyes out, and I snapped at her or something, rolled my eyes for her display of fear, and shannon's mom was there and said something, and I snapped at her all cold, "don't talk to me like that please" and I intimidated her and she backed up.
thissugarcane: and my sister and her boyfriend Matt. and shauna asked, "what're we doing" and I said "holding a vigil, I guess". and stuff. um. *thinks* and I boxed with a really short person, because I was so angry I wanted to hit stuff. and then I went into the hallway, and systematically began punching my fist against the wall, only the wall was kinda spongy and it didn't hurt so it wasn't very satisfying.
thissugarcane: and then I woke up.
There might have been candles, and more crying people. I think my mum was there. I think Will was there. I know I sat down on a couch with my sister, her boyfriend, and two other people at one point, but we all fit. Everyone was worried. And I think everyone was waiting to hear about a body.
One would think I'm developing an unhealthy obsession with death. But it's not death that's interesting, it's not that final gasp. It's. when other people can't shake it. People's reactions to it.
If only I could figure out when Aaron was going to die.
~
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