it's 3:06 am, on May 16, 2002 - random wandering.

~

The Greek gods, the gods of passion and child rape and mutilation, have no names anymore.

We all still have those intense feelings, the subversive and the demonic, the kind that claw out and rip apart. We still drink. But those feelings, rather than being deified, are abstracted, in today's society.

Or something.

~*~

Those two lines were from a while ago, from an email I started to Doqz. I still owe him an email but don't have the words. Someone told me, "good and intense are almost the same for you, aren't they?"

And yes.

~*~

The other night I dreamed I met Chris Kirkpatrick again, only this time at the Orlando show. --stop me if I've told this story before.

So Al and I are there, and she's dancing with a drum attached to her, like, after everyone's left the stadium mostly. And um, Chris and Justin I think, were singing and having fun, and Al was goofing off with them and all and I was leaning against the barrier --because the barrier was still kind of up, even though the micstands and everything were just on the floor, not the stage -- and yeah. I was watching and some girl comes up to me and asks a question and I say, "Oh, I wish." So later, we go to the hotel, and the security guards don't know about letting us in, but apparently Chris fixed it so we could come in or something. But none of the guys are around. So we hang out with the security guards, and that's as fun as anything so when Chris or, Joey, or someone shows up later, we're all, "hey, man, we're having fun here, don't worry about it."

Anyway. Apparently I dig the security guards as well.

Over the last few days, I've been collecting little bits and pieces of line to write about, as you can see, but no full or complete thoughts are coming. Someone asked me in the livejournal survey, "what's the most beautiful thing you've seen" and I answered with pop-music, when I've seen the Eiffel Tower.

Not that the Eiffel Tower is beautiful. It's a fucking hideous piece of metal. But that church at midnight, that was beautiful. All those clouds I've seen from above, they're beautiful. You're beautiful.

*

Again, my insides are bleeding out. This is habitual, something that happens to women. Despite my lack of feeling very womanly, my body still thinks I am, and old enough to be having children, for quite some time now. This idea, that your body betrays your real age, is maybe one of the problems girls have. Maybe it's not.

We're supposed to grow up faster because metabolically, we're already grown up. But maybe not. I don't know.

One of my friends seems in a bad place. This is someone that I've wanted to be, close, to, for a while, to get to know, and yet I don't think I am. He seems very closed off in a lot of ways. Which I understand and try to respect -- and that attitude, perhaps, is one of the reasons I don't know him as well as I might like.

Kate is going to see Kylie Minogue. That seems like a better place.

The question, then, is what is beautiful. More intimately, what is beautiful to me. Well, as Doqz so eloquently pointed out, "intense" and "good" -- "intense" and "beautiful", even -- are the same things. Intensity, then, is what I strive for.

When Cathy comes to visit in June, I want to get a tattoo done. That's a month, roughly, to decide what to get. Suggestions, as always, are very much welcome. I don't know what I could get that could possibly be a. not girly and b. represent me. Symbolism is all in words, for me. Like the Greeks -- or was it the Babylonians? or Egypians? -- words and their meanings are not separate; to say a word is to bring the power of that word out.

Therefore, "love" and "sunshine" are not simply collections of letters standing for abstract ideas, rather, they *are* the idea themselves. To speak is to have power.

All of these things, about whatever race of beings I mean, are in my mythology textbook. Therefore, "Earth", or "gaia", doesn't mean just "earth". It means the goddess of earth -- but not "of earth". The goddess *is* earth.

And so on.

*

Because I'm in a good place right now, or at least not a bad one, necessarily, I'm going to say "cheer" and hope it rubs off on everyone who's not. "Cheer" and "love" and yes. To speak, to write, is to have power.

That's what tattoos are all about. --maybe that's where I heard that. On a tattooing website. And so the ancient gods mingle with the new ones, and my ones. Write, and you have power.

~

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bruise - June 29, 2015

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