it's 1:39 am, on November 10, 2002 - the wheres and whyfores of the caravan.

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Mel posted an entry that ended with "Here, darlings, is to a crisis of everything", in relation to changing one's life and getting out of the comfortable place, doing something about it. And that statement, "a crisis of everything", I feel nightly and do nothing.

--caravan album, repeat number eight tonight? nine? whatever. lost count in the last few weeks.

claire emailed me, asking for a track listing of the caravan cd. and I was going through, thinking "I don't know if that's what's on her cd." and thinking, again, about all the reasons that I stuck whichever song on the cd, the whys and wherefores, why each song was romantic. I wanted to say so, before, but felt self indulgent. well, now, it's much more wintery, sad and slow and all. so fuck worrying about self indulgence, here's the whys and wherefores about the caravan cd. all of them are romantic, in some way. mel-romantic.

and rereading this, it sounds like Mel and I have some weird thing going on, by which we talk about what's romantic and have this huge thing. and yes, except, not. a lot of little code words, just, they start with mel because, like me, mel cannot keep her own secrets to save her life. we wear our hearts and minds on our sleeves, and rely on you enigmas. --she talked about that today, too, about how we fall for people who are hard to understand because we're all too easy. except, that's a whole other story about what the people I fall for have in common, and mel quite sensibly pointed out "well you don't feel like you know either of them. they're hard to get to know." whereas, we'll tell our life story within five minutes of meeting.

anyway. the cd goes like this.

1. "caravan", the counting crows

"and the caravan has all my friends // and they will stay with me until the end" -- this is just, the little iron gate. that says "theme starts here". --hah. when in doubt, go back to where it all began.

2. "this is the day", the the

"didn't wake up this morning cause I didn't go to bed, I was watching the whites of my eyes turn red" -- okay, this is a little obscure, but it's at the end of Empire Records, one of my favorite movies ever. when they're all happy and a family and dancing on the roof.

3. "evaporated", ben folds five

"or slumped over in a vacant room, head on a stranger's knee // I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind." -- basically, that one line, because, yeah.

4. "wise up", aimee mann

"you got what you want, now you can hardly stand it" -- also from a movie, this time Magnolia. the quote goes "I really do have love to give. I just don't know where to *put* it." it's a whole long thing, mel and invisible people, and we put love on people out there, Mel and I and other people too, people we don't see because it has to go *somewhere*.

5. "dreams can come true", gabrielle

"dreams can come true, look at me babe, I'm with you" -- also from Magnolia. basically the flipside of "wise up", dreams can come true. I kept thinking about this song while I was in toronto, last, and then a lot more once I came home. a house in west toronto with a patio and a cleaning service.

6. "I know", fiona apple

"and if it gets too late, for me to wait for you to find you love me, and tell me so -- it's ok, don't need to say it" -- this is Pete Wisdom's themesong, and pete's my spirit animal. once upon a time, Al gave me this tape, the bobby/remy/pete tape, and this song is still, it's Pete. it's me.

7. "wish you were here", radiohead

"how I wish, I wish you were here // we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl" -- "wish you were here". and I do, wish all of you were here. also, it's from a thing that River and I have done, "two lost souls" being Devon and Oz, on a bridge in the desert, and co-writing, and River. it's still fundamentally. Oz and Devon and the desert is where the tribe *started*.

8. "anna begins", counting crows, live from Storytellers

"her kindness bangs a gong, it's moving me along" -- shana told me once, that "anna begins" is the quintessential love song. I was in seventh grade when I bought the tape of 'august and everything after', and this song, I listened to over and over and over and over again. it really is.

9. "the shining", badly drawn boy

"faith pours from your walls" -- okay, this is just really pretty, first of all. it's also from a scene in queer as folk, brian and justin I think, and cuddling on the porch because Justin won't leave Brian alone, not even when he's the bad guy.

10. "sing it again", beck

"my love is a room of broken bottles and tangled webs" -- beck is something I picked up from paris, and I guess some things don't go away. also, I used to listen to this and laugh.

11. "I got it bad and that ain't good", jane monheit

"the poets say that all who love are blind // but I'm in love and I know what time it is" -- this actually goes with the jola story I wrote, that's probably the most romantic thing I've ever done in my life. romance and Lance went to space, and joey just wanted him to come back. also, however, this song is from Roswell, and Majandra Delfino's character, Maria, sings it. and I've always dug Maria/Michael.

12. "oil and water", majandra delfino

"I gave him the whole entire thing // at first he gently held it and then got bored and started carving" -- Majandra Delfino, and this one's also jola, except, the flipside. this was the themesong to part of this fic, that I wrote, with a scene per pairing, each based off her songs. joey and lance are always this tragic thing, in my head, if they're not happy and together - tragic and they broke up badly. it's just. I don't even know.

13. "sleepwalking", ben lee

"teach me to sleepwalk, there's nothing I want more" -- an australian band Mel sent me, and, sleepwalking. that's pretty much it, this line, but it's enough.

14. "heavy heart", you am i

"I miss you like sleep, there's nothing romantic 'bout the hours I keep" -- this is the original romantic line. again, something Mel sent me that I appropriated. I miss you all like sleep.

15. "thank you", the whitlams

"thank you, each and every one of you, for loving me at my worst." -- also a mel song, and it's the themesong to a justin story. the justin turns thirty story, and it's about being grateful, so grateful, for people who love you. and, I am.

that was maybe slightly less interesting than usual. fuck it. it's the winter, and I'm updating more often which is bad news, but this cd is alternately happy and sad. and, yes. Thank you.

~

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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