it's 2:05 am, on February 25, 2003 - opened up a taco stand.
~
I have "...waiting on a train // I woke up in pieces and elizabeth, disappeared again" stuck in my head. It's counting crows, from their second album, but I'm not sure which actual song. I'm waiting on a train.
Things to update on in no particular order:
a. no more nostalgic posts about the east coast. no more of that.
b. It's a big, big question, where you're going to end up by next fall. Lots of people want to find themselves a home; mostly I want to find an airport with a Tim hortons with no line-up.
c. sometimes I think that, with Rae, the big mistakes that were made by me are only secondary to lots of little ones. and stuff like that. Like, maybe it was a subconscious guerilla attack because my brain isn't satisfied yet. and all that metaphor, extended out and everything.
d. some girl in some fandom was picking on friends for being ugly. whatever. so many people are ugly on the inside that people who actually take the time to do this shit make my stomach hurt. but then I used to cry when people yelled at each other, as well.
e. no more wistfulness. no more of that, either.
f. one problem I always have is trying to figure out what to do when people have decided that we have nothing to talk about any more.
g. on the theme of pulling away from friends: kel was actually surprised when I told her it's a trend. I half don't think she believes me, but. it's almost suprising how stubbornly I can let things go.
h. ashlan and I were talking about the mythical convergence in toronto - more later on that - and she said "big dreams, small gods?" and I said, "yes". Small gods. which always puts me in mind of Pratchett, but really, small gods. that's it.
i. I kept forgetting to mention it: mike emailed me. we had some-what of of a dialogue. I don't know what to make of it.
j. beck is singing about a taco stand. beck, as you might remember from such journal entries as I did back when scribble.nu was all the rage, stands for "paris and I used to smoke up and be bad for each other in my garage." Paris, I haven't thought about him in a month, maybe. it's weird, that. but hey, when I decide to let something go, I'm a stubborn motherfucker.
k. which is to say, letting go. I'm doing it.
"and I noticed the crew, and the band playing below, and I realized I was in a rock video. so I went and joined the band, and I went out on tour, and I smoked a lotta heroin and I passed out in manure. I made out with the groupies, started fires backstage, made a lotta money, and I gave it all away. then the band got killed, so I started a solo career, and I won all the awards, and I drank all the beer. And I opened up a taco stand, just to smell the smell -- cookin with the devil, fryin' down in hell."
Ahhhh, Beck. How I love thee.
So I was sitting on the plane, coming home this time, and I was sitting beside a typical straight guy and wishing that I could see the Rockies below me again. He was saying that the mountains out here were impressive, though they weren't the rockies. I just kept thinking, isolationist geography, isolationist mentality. Taco stand.
Well, I wasn't really thinking taco stand. but I am now. But, okay, the list. I should expand on at least a few points.
So while I was in Toronto, I started joking about how everyone was crazy, I guess? and Bryant said something to the effect that "well, you're the one that always wants to come, and makes such nostalgic posts about your trips." And I realized, yes, I did. that was what I did, I went to Toronto and made nostalgic posts about it. and really, that has to stop.
Which segueways nicely into: where are you going to end up in the fall? which is really, where am I going to end up in the fall. The plan was, of course, to join the mythical convergence in Toronto. But somehow, it doesn't feel right, it's not. Even ignoring the very real possibility that being roommates with anyone might make both of us homicidal -- I don't know if it's right. if it's. I don't know. the mountains divide.
As far as c thru g. uh, either not going to discuss it, or there isn't enough to say. The taco stand, however, is a good idea.
except I lie, because there's a little thing I'd like to ask about social etiquette: when friendships fade, am I supposed to be unhappy? am I supposed to try and make them speak to me? with Matt and Cathy and, everyone. it's just, like, what's the ettiquette? what happens when I want to make friends with your friends? what's the proper way to go about pulling away from friends and yet, also wanting to ask "hey, do you have my goddamned celebrity bootlegs, already?" it's a question of social etiquette that I just don't have.
theend. I mean, I don't know.
Honestly, I really just wanted to discuss this new, wariness, as far as the mythical convergence goes. I'm not sure it's right - or, even more, I'm not sure I'm right for it. yeah. I don't know as I'm right for it. so I want to try and let it go.
I mean, sometimes you have to roadie it alone. But yes. I want to try and let it go. maybe it's someone else's mythology now, not mine. maybe. maybe. I don't think I'm right for it, for living there, or even for living on borrowed lives anymore. living in borrowed lives.
the question becomes, what am I right for, and of course that's a big old nothing. all I do know is, no one calls me by my name, and that's not bad, it's just a fact. I don't know if Orlando is right, I don't know. maybe Vancouver, with it's constant - well, it being the way it is, maybe it's the right place for me.
--but this is getting less fun and more weepy, so, no more of that, either.
instead, we go to bed. and, uh, this wasn't a very exciting entry at all, but next time will be better. fitter. happier. more productive. --ah, radiohead. another band that has Paris's fingerprints all over it, even now.
~
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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015
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