it's 10:11 pm, on March 01, 2003 - am I done yet?.
~
So like, I don't often cry.
you guys probably know that, few of you have seen me cry except possibly Bryant and Doqz, and there were extenuating circumstances involved there because I was drunk. As a rule, I don't cry about myself ever, or my life, or things that affect me.
No, I cry about TV shows.
The girl who laughed in "My Girl", who had her parents separate for the fifth time last week and shrugged it off with a "can you hand me the nail clippers?" -- yeah, she just spent ten to fifteen minutes bawling like a baby over Angel. Yes, it's true.
So, but. There's this episode, first season, where Doyle dies. And that won't mean anything to anyone who hasn't seen the first season, or who doesn't own the DVDs, but there's this episode. And Doyle dies a hero's death.
And really, that makes me cry, but what makes me cry more is the scene at the very end of the episode. Because, there's Cordelia and there's Angel. And they look awful. Cordelia has no make-up on. And they're just looking at the television. Not saying anything, not crying, not doing anything. Just looking at the television and watching a tape of Doyle. And the very last line, after we see them, is Doyle, on their TV, saying "Are we finished? Am I done yet?"
and there's no music, and that's just the *end* and he's gone and gone and not coming back.
And you guys know that I use that phrase to describe things that hurt me. That feel like a loss. To put this in perspective: I cried over fourth season OZ for a week. I skipped classes and everything, so this isn't unheard of. it's sad and it says I have no life and it says that I'm emotionally stunted but. It doesn't matter because it was something and now it's gone and that is a loss. That is loss.
That's a badly butchered Jae quote.
And really, I don't need to wallow over this television series. I could move on, distract myself until I wasn't upset anymore but sometimes, it feels good to feel even if it's bad, and someone has to mourn anyway.
I just. Television, man. it sucks me in the way real life and movies can't. a movie can be the saddest thing in the world and still I'm unaffected. But television, give me the cheesiest hero's death, offering himself to save the world, and his friends watching wide eyed and teary and he burns up--
and obviously, I'm a sobbing wreck. my chest hurts from the crying.
I think it's the fact that you can get sucked in slowly to the characters. I mean, really, The Body makes me depressed and nervous and uncomfortable and unhappy and yes, I cry every time I hear anya make her speech. It's because it's much easier, I think, to be emotionally invested in characters when you know them for longer than two hours, like a movie.
So, yeah. Doyle. I still miss him. and that might make me a sad and pathetic individual, but. It's loss.
~
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