it's 1:23 pm, on March 06, 2003 - I really wish I was hungover in Vegas.
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before I get into the serious, let's start with the trivial: this really makes Fred Durst sound like Christina Aguilera. I mean, "When's the last time you heard some news on something positive without judgement and opinions? Me neither." "I dont give a fuck about what anyone has to say about me being me." Yeah, you go, Fred. Get blond extensions. --actually, that'd be kind of cool.
Maybe it's just me. Regardless, it kinda endears him to me a little more. Seeing as how I did like Three Dollah Bill Y'all, I'm probably the spawn of demons anyway.
~
Cathy made a post today that has me thinking.
There are two things I can do, and I'm grateful for both of them. One is make close connections with people, quickly -- feel close to them, and feel deeply for them. The other is being able to stop feeling deeply for people almost as quickly.
I'm sure you can see where these two things could potentially get me into trouble.
I don't think these things are mutually exclusive. It's just, I was telling Kel this morning, I give of myself freely. I'm open about anything and everything. Just never with one person. All of my friends, I think, get different pieces of myself.
Like, with her, I can say anything, and I don't feel stupid. Ashlan, too. (It's punctuation, baby!) But with neither of them am I going to ever let myself feel sexual. Or even romantic. because those two things are mutually exclusive in my mind. In order for someone to be sexy I have to be *nervous*.
So people I don't understand, or don't feel comfortable around, end up being sexual fodder. For example.
And, like. People I'll be goofy with, rarely will I end up having a deep conversation. Or rather, a conversation with a *serious* tone. And people who I have deep conversations with often, rarely is there anything that doesn't end up being serious, even if it's the color of Justin's hair.
The only two possible exceptions to this rule would be River and Al. Do I want to explain why these two people are exceptions?
No.
So. I feel deeply about everyone I know, but in different ways.
And I don't know what to say to someone like Cathy -- or Matt -- who has found me to be insensitive and casual to this point.
Mostly randomly, I had these lists of things that LJ and Online Journaling Should and Shouldn't Be Used For (as far as I'm concerned.) One thing that I hate about LJ is that it's a two-way message board. not only is it public but it's responsive. Which is good when you're talking about Justin Timberlake. Which is bad when your talk of Justin Timberlake degenerates into fandom-like gossip.
Because, I considered even posting something *about* the recent non-speaking of Cathy and I, this morning. But then, I realised, no, that's directly against everything you stand for; if you're thinking about it, put it in diaryland. In no way do I ever want to drag any form of fandom fighting into my life on purpose.
Because diaryland, to me, is performance art. It's personal rather than collective -- which is LJ -- and that's why I like it better. Which I've talked about already.
But, I've tried *so* *hard* not to talk about Cathy to really anyone I know. I mean, it's not like I'm going to say anything bad anyway -- if she ever reads this, she should know this -- but even the whole situation. I just hate drama that ends up 'in the tabloids', so to speak. I've hated gossip ever since grade nine, and every time I find myself participating in it or getting like that, I try really really hard not to. I mean, I don't succeed. but I really really try.
And I don't know what this has to do with what I started out talking about, it's just, this is what I'm thinking about lately. How to keep drama out of my life, and out of LJ all together; how to explain to people that I don't really consider *anyone* the most important person in my life except *me*.
See, I could make the argument that because this is about someone in a fandom, I should keep it offline entirely. Or take it to email. Which, is good in theory except if I'm reading the signs correctly she's very upset/angry, whereas I just kind of have a bit of bewilderment and a lot of helpless feeling. So far be it for me to enhance her emotional intensity through any action I take.
I emailed Matt, after all, and the reply was kinda terse. I understood it, but it did hurt me, despite the fact that he was, probably, right. But, yeah. I'm not going to email Cathy, and she's welcome to email me. Anyone who thinks I'm an ass and unfeeling is welcome to email me. But I'm just putting that out there: I *am*.
So that's basically both what I feel and what I think about the whole thing. Yeah.
~
I think that my attempt to be courteous, in regards to keeping other people's emotional intensity down to a nice balanced level, gets me in trouble, too. I've always felt very strongly about only saying things and doing things and feeling things that doesn't infringe upon other people's emotional boundaries. Not that I mind when other people infringe upon *my* emotional boundaries; just, I feel very strongly about making sure I'm not rude.
Finally, and most importantly in this particular second and until five o'clock tonight, Malinowski sought to explain myth through the 'charter theory' - it reinforced and justified certain parties' right to rule society. Basically. goddamned midterm.
Right now, I really wish I was hungover in Vegas.
~
PS: to highlight how dumb I am? I keep forgetting it's my birthday. so. I'm 21, too.
~
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