it's 2:13 am, on April 15, 2003 - "crucio! crucio! crucio!".
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This is kind of a weird and introflective entry. introspective? introreflective? dude, whatever. it's boring. you were warned. Go read an entry about bug assassins instead. since it's so much wittier.
Everyone gone?
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Okay. this has been a weird day.
a. I lock my keys in the car this whilst outside a tim horton's and thus have to wait a half-hour for my momma to get me the fuck out of the car. I sit there, staring morosely out the window, nursing a coffee while the phone company dude plays with his ladder outside (not a metaphor). Eat some lunch, which later on becomes a problem.
b. Get the keys, start driving again. Meet Caitlin, The Cute Girl From Class to borrow her notes. Start getting anxiety about my final, and lunch starts becoming stomachache.
c. Take said final, which ends up having the question "Does modern culture have myth? why or why not?" which, hi, I wrote a twenty page paper on that not two weeks ago. Pleasantly surprised about the questions; think I did okay.
d. Drive home. Al's answering machine still has "the sound of my answering machine telling me I have messages fills me with joy. So help a sistah out." I left a message which said something stupid like "I've just figured out the meaning of religion, and it can all be related in a witty yet approachable manner to your answering machine." Only, not quite as eloquent because in reality, I stutter. note to self: write that entry some time.
e. called my ex-roommate Sue, who I used to discuss at length, pretty much adored in a platonic sense, and got along with really well. Flash forward: she's getting married in June, I haven't talked to her in a year, on the phone or off, and we were basically strangers. Such is my way with people.
f. Get home, read some very depressing harry potter fic. Like, seriously y'all, Harry hangs himself, people react kind of stories. Good stories, but oh, just what I needed. yeah.
g. kel and I were talking just now, and she told me that the way I react to her fandom hate-on hurts. because I refuse to be involved, and the idea that she would choose to be involved, somehow I think that it's wrong. which I want to disagree with, to forestall a fight, except, I do think that it's wrong, at least, it feels wrong. politics has always felt wrong. just, I prefer internalization and the personal approach to things rather than taking things to a fandom level.
and I DID always pride myself on being able to say "I like so-and-so, and I like so-and-so. they hate each other. it's not impossible! calm down, for crying out loud." I guess it's just gotten so much, worse, with the whole livejournal phenomena. it just, something happened to me, I guess. when did I become a sanctimonious preacher?
oh. right. about the same time Matt stopped talking to me, or when River started saying that things were getting weird. maybe as late as when Cathy stopped talking to me.
maybe a hell of a lot earlier.
h. so now, I'm just thinking. Sometimes I want to say, "is it possible for someone as insensitive as me to learn how not to be?" But I'm getting the feeling that it isn't, man. Like, my birthday present from Al fills me with joy every time I see it, because it was probably the most thoughtful thing I've ever received, and yet, I don't think I would have ever thought of it.
Sue's getting married. This is so bizarre. I know that nothing stays the same, mentally, it's just always a mild shock to receive evidence of it in my face. so, there's that. and, like, okay, it's no secret that I don't keep my friends, so it shouldn't come as a shock that Sue and I were strangers, or even that kelly and I have a difference of fandom. except, I guess life is a shock.
and like, barring Al's answering machine and the few times Al's actually home (and even that's debatable, because there's fear there but I make myself call anyway) --anyway. I'm not really sure of anyone anymore. and I called the number that river gave me for Kael's house the other day, nerve-wracked and stomach roiling. and of course, it had been disconnected. we are disconnected from each other. and man, I wasn't close to no one like river. but blah blah blah, we knew that, wow, that disa, she can't connect to people, you're living in the 21st century move on already, yeah.
part of this is maybe just residual repression from trying to deal with the idea that my grandfather is dead, and that in less than a week I'm going to have to pretend that he's a nice man, when I keep thinking about him pulling his dick out in front of me when I was six. or five. or seven. or however old I was, since I can't remember.
i. becoming detached in all areas of life has been the best coping mechanism I've had, so like, whatever, detach, detach, detach, if you don't want anything you're not disappointed, blah blah blah. I am not attached to anything or any smoothies, concrete. I'm disconnected, one might even say.
At least I'm still pretty.
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ps: I forgot to mention, Doqz wants me to start dating so that he can have a life by proxy. He won't take no for an answer, no matter how much I try and explain that single works for me. So anyone who wants to fill out an application may do so by answering these simple questions:
1. you are a. selfless, b. selfish, c. an okay girl.
2. you enjoy a. taking care of your partner and doing what they need, b. taking care of yourself, even within a relationship, or c. sharing everything and building a life with your partner
3. you are a. male b. female.
if you didn't answer "B" to 1 and 2, you're probably not my match.
pss: man, second note to self: find evidence for the universality of christianity and islam for wednesday morning. third note to self: stop spelling christianity as "christinanity." the religion of worshipping christina? hmmmmm.
x-tinanity. because you should always end on a high note.
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