it's 3:56 am, on August 28, 2003 - things that do not connect together.
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So, um. hi.
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- comicfic.net - archiving madness.
- twelve months: working title - kind of another journal. for writing. real writing. no, honestly. I even have an idea for a comic book. er.
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I guess I'm back to writing here, instead of copying random slightly witty things from other people and pasting them. I guess I'm back to talking in the first person. That's okay. It just means that this space just got probably a little duller.
at least I'm not crazy anymore - which is something I should talk about somewhere, at some point, but very very unlikely will it be here. well, I mean, look at the archiving. the crazy has gone somewhere else. --this entry is going to be so random.
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There's a thing, that Al talks about sometimes, and that's about wanting - nay, requiring - validation through your writing. like. writing in order to have people like it, or reply to it, or whatever. And I never used to think that was me. I don't count fb. half the time I don't give a fuck if anyone reads it or not.
but you know what? fuck it, that's not true.
Because, let me tell you a secret. I am, in some illogical sense, insanely jealous of say, Bryant. because there's a thing that he does that means that people take him seriously in regards to his writing. He, I don't know. Him and Al, for example, they. I can't. I don't know.
anyway. it does not feel like people take me seriously when it comes to writing. and it's weird, that I'd think that, because enough people answer what I write, I know I don't write like shit, and I hear quite a lot of complimentary things from people I respect--
yes, but it doesn't feel like the same kind of respect that maybe other people get. that's it. it's a weird feeling, and a nasty taste in my mouth, because really, what I hate more than anything else in the world is when people don't respect me, laugh or not take me seriously when I'm serious. and I'm serious about writing, and being a fan, whatever tactic I might take with it.
--like, mpreg. okay. that wasn't serious. except that it very much was - even if the story was stupid and the plot ridiculous, my intent was important to me. even popslash in general, for example - it might be weird and mostly silly, and yes, a fucked up premise. but it's important, even if it's comedic and joking, I always give it respect.
so it's weird. because I don't feel insecure about my writing; it's good, it's maybe not progressing as far as it could, but it's pretty good and I like it. often when I'm trying I come up with some very good stuff. but. that thing, or something, it's not there with people, or it feels like that.
I can't seem to figure out why I feel like this. maybe it's because yes, it never feels like I'll be respected as a non-slash writer. that's a huge fucking albatross. maybe it's. I don't know. I don't even know what I want to say about it. but it felt like it needed saying. saying again? have I already talked about how it feels like I don't get no respect? boo hoo, yes, I know.
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did I tell you? I got an email from Jamie O'Neill. he wrote "at swim, two boys", this novel about two Irish boys who fall in love around 1917. Well, I think that I got an email from him. I keep waiting for someone to tell me it was a mistake, since instead of being very angry River and I lifted his title for a wap! story, he actually complimented the little piece quite a bit. which has to be a mistake.
I don't know how to make that jive with what I was just talking about, even though it feels like it should, actually, fit.
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Bryant and I talked for quite a while about his new story tonight. he said that it was more emotive than usual, and that was a little startling, and that it was coming, but not easily. I told him that's probably a good sign, since the truly human either comes difficultly, trying to stay ever-hidden, or in such a way that you don't even feel a part of the process of writing at all.
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there should be some witty thing in here about, I don't know, goldfish or something, but I got nothin'. until then, if you're someone in need of html skills, intense pop culture knowledge in specific realms, mythology and literature knowledge, or a mime, please give me a job.
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