it's 12:56 am, on September 06, 2003 - tell the vegetables I'm dead..

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So here's life for psychotic:

I got an icq from Paris's Jenna today.

Now, you might think that that should segueway into some zany Paris story - apparently she found me by googling his name - but I think I'm going to tell you about what I think knowing Paris has done to me.

In a short form.

See, there's a lot of things I could say about knowing and very much not knowing him, but I think the main thing that I learned was that you can never trust someone to tell you the complete truth. And as an extention of that, you can never trust someone to show you who they really are.

And, okay. life is intensely psychotic, because what I remember about Jenna is that she loved horses, and once sent him an ocarina he wore around his neck. One time, when I was over there - probably with mike - he had the ocarina on. That's what I remember knowing about her. and, it's strange. in the book of the dead I was writing, I wrote about ten pages about Paris, because I wanted to explain what knowing people had done to me. and knowing him, for good or ill, changed who I was fundamentally.

except, I told the stories, and I tried to link things together chronologically, and yet I couldn't make any of it make sense. I can say, this is what happened here. This is what happened then. This means nothing, except that this is what happened. these are the dots; I cannot connect them together.

like, I was molested as a kid. There. It's out there. everyone knew, and now it's been said. it has bearing on how I deal with people. this has bearing on how I deal with people. Paris, knowing Paris definitely has bearing on how I deal with people - and probably what I want from them.

Here's the thing. People change. people change daily. You can't trust them to be who you think they are. There could be massive portions of people that you don't understand or don't see. This isn't lying. This is the world.

maybe when it comes down to it, this is my bruise.

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ps: Justin is probably the closest I could get to describing Paris, if I were to try. in that everyone's a bit in love with him, and - through no fault of his own - he doesn't show anyone the same side of himself. like Justin in "live through this". yeah.

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pss: am still in great terror re: email and doqz. terror, two, disa, zero. life, one, disa, zero. brain, eight, disa, zero. but hey. at least I'm still pretty.

~

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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