it's 3:15 am, on September 16, 2003 - sudden onset of logic.

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warning: gratuitously self-deprecating entry ahead.

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There are these things that I keep meaning to say, about the fact that I'm quite firmly hog-tied to this plastic box, and that I always look at the people I used to know and think, oh, and well then, and also help. But mostly that's just from being tied to this box. What do I know about meeting people?

There was this show on just now, about a convention about the swingers culture, and one couple that was there said that they'd told their parents they'd gone to a computer geek convention. And then the guy said, "but, you know, we've met enough computer geeks here that it practically is a computer convention, so."

I just want to feel real. to feel that I actually connect to real people. to feel that the people I go to Toronto to meet with, I actually know, not just think I know. But it's okay. it's not true.

"Mom, Dad, I'm going to a computer convention." Do we really meet to swing? to tie ourselves to a group of people and maybe get laid, to end up feeling like we're real, that this happiness is reality. It's a nice lie, I suppose, the idea that all of that, that it's real, that the computer could bring us that.

It's not true, of course, it's logical to assume it's not. Logic means that I know it's not. A television documentary about a swingers convention might show a lot of tits, but the truth is I'm still sitting up at three in the morning. That's okay. Some day I will be less of a coward. maybe.

maybe I'll stay hog-tied to this plastic box, dependent on it for all my emotional needs forever.

whoo hoo! that was dull. maybe I should tell cat stories instead. Then I'll really be a cliche.

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