it's 10:45 pm, on December 03, 2004 - dilemma.

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What an office xmas party.

I spent most of the night hiding in the entry way, pretending that my job was to hand out name tags to any poor sap that came through the doorway, accosting them with pen and paper and bullying them to write their name, serial number, and phone number down for all to see.

In reality, I just didn't want to go inside.

This has two reasons. for one, I was exhausted; I could move around, and clean up, and do things, but if you asked me a simple question and expected a response other than, "see you," "have a good holiday," or "mmm", I was incapable of answering. I just did not have the energy to be interesting, I could not find a single thing in my head that seemed worth repeating aloud, and so the struggle to make small talk was even more exhausting just to think about.

I also wasn't drinking, which might have helped the, loosen up, find something to say, problem. Just maybe.

The other problem is a little more insidious, and it has to do with the people I work with and associate with - quite frankly, they're all straight. The latant homophobia in the office is something I have great difficulty, tremendous difficulty, avoiding calling someone a cunt over - and that's never going to go over well with the boss.

the other thing is, we're forced to be friendly to each other at work, we're expected to get along and like each other and be friends, and so I find that I am, I'm molding myself to fit into this place wherein, instead of hating them for their stupid discriminatory, blind attitude, I hate myself for actually going along with it, for actually enjoying myself with these people.

I couldn't do all of those things as well as trust myself not to drop crab pate on the client's shoe or something, so I stayed inside.

and how was your friday? ps: tag.

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