it's 12:24 am, on January 23, 2005 - the dream update.

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Bryant was feeling overly emotional tonight; it was in response to his wisdom teeth medication, but it's made me think a little bit about things.

This could be a very long introspective piece on the nature of what I want vs. what I have - the fact that while I do this open friendship cum adoration thing with various friends and partners all at once very *well*, I really am happiest when I have one person to love - but you've heard all that before, it's done to death.

I dreamed that a co-worker I'm really quite attracted to kissed me the other night. He's much older than I am, and he's really very unattainable, mostly for that reason. I don't know why I dreamed about him being at a bar. there were mermaids involved. things kept being thwarted. I didn't have any shoes on, but I also might have had flippers, so I'm not going to read too much into it.

That dream of having a family, that is not the whole answer. It's different for all of us, but dude, this little girl, if she starts thinking that way she'll end up in a downslide and make nothing of what she does have. the grass isn't greener anywhere, it just is. you choose to be happy, and each time it's taken away, you get heartbroken, you lose faith in that thing, and then you find something else.

Maybe that's why I don't think it's the answer - I'm just not too keen on putting all my eggs in such a fragile basket. Going to toronto has always been more of a catharsis than heaven-sent; I tend to run a full gambit of emotions, including hatred, fear, envy, and wallowing self-loathing, as well as the good ones.

For one moment, I thought about deleting what came before this sentence. Apparently New Year's Eve I wrote "I never find anything new. help me." in this box, and that was all. what was it about? I don't know. I know that that particular party was a trip through self-loathing, rather than the other thing. I'm not going to delete the rest of this though. my thoughts are my thoughts, however trivial - I keep them.

maybe I'm just tired of having an audience or something. moving in with people I only think I know is not the whole answer. It's something that I want, and so it's as valid a dream to chase as going to Orlando was three years ago - but it's not the answer. the answer is something we just don't know. you put faith into things and keep going.

maybe I'll dream about something more interesting tomorrow.

~

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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