it's 10:57 pm, on March 09, 2005 - red balloon.

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I keep having these - we're going to have to call them 'episodes'. it's slightly softer than using the word hallucination.

This is how it goes. I wake up in the middle of the night and see something fully formed in my bedroom. one time I distinctly remember seeing a big black dog (we won't talk about the symbolism or potential reference) sitting beside my bed, fully formed, facial features, everything. And I mean, I'm not talking just a flash of something - I mean ten seconds of staring the face of a dog in the face while I'm sitting in a mostly-dark room thinking, "shit".

last night I woke to a nightmare scenario - I jumped out of bed, night terrors, and saw gun barrels pointing at me. I woke up gasping, jolted upright before I even opened my eyes. but it's not just a nightmare, because I know I'm awake for those five or ten seconds, and they're right in front of me anyway. another time I woke up and saw an old woman in the corner, looking at me. that took longer to dispell, fifteen seconds maybe. that time I remember I tilted my head to double check, and she stayed the same.

I'm starting to worry. don't most people hear voices? visible hallucinations are some of the most rare. at least it usually happens when the room is dark, maybe we can put it down to that.

what else is new? I was on the bus today and felt myself sinking, getting that old familiar sadness again. but sadness and hopelessness is tinged with a sense of the incredible awe of the world and of breathing - it's contrary, I think. I think of the size and breadth and depth of sensation, and then I wonder to myself if I have even a fraction of that sensation, feeling, in my life. and then the crushing hopelessness sets in, because there is so much and you can see so much and it's always just the endless horizon, an open road forever. nothing stops. nothing is definitive.

I wonder if everyone feels the entirety of the human condition, what it is to be - I can't even come up with any adjectives. what it is to be. I wonder if everyone looks around at what they see and feels the world there. but they probably do - that is the human condition. we struggle against our own skins to *say* things, and they are too big.

I think that people can either be heartened by the immense size of experience compared to the relative smallness of our own bodies, or bogged down by it. bogged down? tied up? I think they either fundamentally embrace or struggle against what it is simply to exist. I mean, people do both at various points, sometimes at once, sure. but you can either look at the size of something and be in awe, or be dismayed by the view.

maybe that's a characteristic of depression? to be staring out on the size of life, and instead of feel rejeuvenated, instead just feel lost, tired. all I want in my life is something definitive; all I want is something with boundaries, something that doesn't go on forever. I don't want to feel ageless sensations; I just want to go to bed.

Probably, most people don't think like this. probably, most people aren't this dumb.

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moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
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bruise - June 29, 2015

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