it's 1:49 am, on July 24, 2005 - reaching for excess.
~
I have never been against drugs, never been against drinking, never been against that frantic saturday night bleeding into sunday morning, that frenetic energy and loss of control, that welcome release, that - that reach for excess. I love it, in fact, I do.
I love bobby, too. somehow, I truly believe that ben lee would like Bobby.
i would dismiss it all as a communal hallucination of emotion, i would say it owed to the acronyms we ate, standard chemical reactions, but even weeks after a night like this i can still close my eyes and pull back to that distant perspective where in myself i see her and him and them and you. yesterday i waved to a little girl on the street. then i pulled down my hand and looked at it in the same way i looked at that heart on that plate: where did that come from?
--
last night I ended up going out dancing with zarya, and let me tell you. I haven't been out like that in a long time, not part of the mass - always sitting at a table, always careful to go home on time, always having to pull back. last night I missed the skytrain and had to get my mother to drive all the way downtown to pick my abandoned ass up from Granville and Georgia at two in the morning because we were a part of that excess for a few blissful hours.
I know that most people shun that reach, that desperate pull. I adore it and reach out desperately for that last foot over the line, that last - and I threw up in the bathroom at the club last night, too, then rinsed my mouth and went back out dancing. I reach for that, and because of who I've known that has too, I don't trust anyone else to. how that works, I don't know.
and isn't that our paradox? the moderation of overstimulation?
you have to regulate your loss of control, to one night a month, two - if not in a controlled environment then in a controlled time frame. this is what I believe. how paradoxical.
~
-
what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015
-