it's 2:42 am, on August 25, 2006 - breaker.

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so something I forgot to tell you this morning - last night I had a minor mental breakdown and did something I haven't done since the first year I was in university. oops.

long story short, I used to stuff myself into small enclosed spaces when highly anxious about anything - cupboards, closets, behind lamp posts. I remember one remarkable evening when someone followed me, watched me sit behind a lamp post, huddled in its shadow, and decided it was a sign of mental breakdown. now, I'm not disagreeing necessarily, I'm just saying - there are different coping mechanisms for everyone and that one just might be the coping mechanism of someone who doesn't have any.

i was telling Brian again tonight about how I desperately want to get away from everyone, get to a place where I can look up and see no evidence of civilization, even if it's for a few hours. I want that, and I want, I don't know.

anyway, so I guess my point is, I'm okay, I'm finding places to outlet my anxiety and such, even if it's controlled breakdown, even if it's huddling beside the bed, pretending the world doesn't exist for a half hour. it's something, anyway, I figure. there's no one else here, right? no one else to ease this ache. but that's matchbox 20.

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