it's 10:00 pm, on September 04, 2006 - ramble.

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I told Mindy today that I was thinking about trying to move back home, maybe in December. I hadn't really thought about it seriously until today, but I think it might be a train of thought that bears more investigation. I find that I'm not fitting in to life here as well as I want to, and I don't know if that's partly because I'm so closely tied to other people's lives and I'm just not at all fitting into theirs. It might just be because i'm not creating my own life the way I wanted to.

I'm not really sure what I mean when I say, 'not fitting in to life here'. it's just like. It was a move, yes, but I don't feel like I'm starting over, starting fresh. I don't feel like this place is my own. It might never feel that way, either, because Bryant is imprinted on every place I currently go and everything - and everyone - I currently see. And finding other people and other places is difficult, I just don't know how. It's like that apartment aura has slowly grown to encompass the entirety of Toronto, and I can't get away from it. And I didn't move here to feel trapped like that.

Work is the only other place I meet people, and I dread going most of the time. I don't know why or how, but some time in the last six years I've completely lost the ability to connect with people at all. there's this line, about how when you're young you're optimistic and hopeful, and believe that there will be a lot of people you can connect with in your life - and when you get older, you realise that isn't true and there are only a few people you really connect with. Somehow I just came to that realization earlier, maybe, or something, but it's true - I can't figure out how to talk to people anymore.

It doesn't really feel like I'm even connecting with the people I was close to before I came here. Everything feels gone from those relationships, and I just want to escape them, but I can't. Everything that was once good about this place has fallen away, and there's nothing to fill that hole, so maybe it is best if I just try and move away. Mindy says it's avoiding the problem and not making things better, but sometimes cutting things out that aren't good anymore is better. maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and it's just a bad day. The more I think about moving - maybe not even back to Vancouver, but maybe somewhere else even - the more attractive it seems. Try again, somewhere I don't know people and somewhere I can start out brand new, without baggage and people and memories from past lives.

Maybe that's just it - there are too many past lives in the Bloor West Village. I should have moved downtown.

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moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
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bruise - June 29, 2015

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