it's 12:11 am, on September 23, 2006 - costs too much.

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I had a lot I was thinking about writing in this little white box on the way home from the bar just now; but really, I don't think it's worth it. I will tell you this: part of my depression is a kind of emotional anorexia, an attempt to control and limit the intake of emotional input. i.e.: I avoid people like the plague in an attempt to control my mental state completely. like anorexia, but with human contact as the denied object, rather than food.

I came up with this idea sitting on Bryant's white couch, back when he only had a white couch, and wrote it all down in a notebook that I'm sure has been recycled by now. but the theory still stands. because not only do I attempt to control myself by limiting human contact, I feel shame and failure when I allow it to happen. case in point: I feel ashamed and angry at myself that I went and had dinner and drinks with people tonight. hunger hurts, but starving works, and so on.

~

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