it's 5:28 pm, on May 15, 2007 - change.
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I've been debating whether to actually continue to record my emotional and spiritual state online in a public forum, especially considering how much of the online world I despise for doing the same thing. But you know, there is no 'comment' function on diaryland; there is no public interaction. I spew myself onto the digital page, and people don't answer. it's the only reason I've kept this journal up, despite the fact that I really hate bringing emotions online when they have the potential for creating drama. it's something I have despised about people from day one of livejournal, from message boards, from every single online and thus semi-anonymous public forum.
but you know what? this is my journal. I will say things, the way I want to say them. the details of current events don't have to be outlined to describe the way in which I feel like the earth has stopped turning. and it has. it's not that I don't want to live, but it does feel like I've paused in doing so for a while. I think that's why I'm not hungry - my body has got the message and has put all functions on hold. it's both worrying, and yet not. each day is an eternity, right now, so while the fact that I just don't feel like eating - me, who typically gets nauseous if I don't eat every four hours, who devours food and taste because it's one of my primary pleasures, I'm never hungry, and when I do eat, the food tastes bad - so while the fact that I just don't feel like eating concerns me, my ability to cope with each day mostly consists of trying not to cry in public.
don't get me wrong. I succeed in that, for the most part, aside from the subway. but it doesn't leave a lot of room for worrying about how long I'm going to feel shut down; it just makes the afternoons, evenings, mornings, days, weeks, hours, minutes, every second kind of drag. I exist in this moment, then I exist in the next. one doesn't feel tied to the other, they're separate, disconnected, apart, like I am. right now it's five fourteen in the PM. in a minute, it will be five fifteen. neither moment will be better or worse than the other, and the one doesn't feel like it follows the other. they exist outside the universe, and so do I. I exist, so it's not that I want to die. I'm just not really alive.
in an email to someone, I told them, 'you'd think eventually that losing someone you care about should hurt less, that the sting of it should fade the more times it happens.' I think one of the primary themes in every piece of writing I attempt on love highlights that one simple truth: it never does. it always hurts like the first time, it always makes it hard to breathe, it always feels this bad. I keep thinking, hoping, pleading, that it won't, but I'm always disappointed.
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it is two months until the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and in a way, I'm clinging onto it as a potential turning point in this current sea. I'm sure it won't be, but in some way, I hope that it is; the end of something, the release of something, the finality and completing of a belief system that I used to hold, rejected violently, resented, picked up carefully, and now approach with familiar caution. once it's released, I will be able to write the story that's been buzzing around in my head for years; Sirius, trusting Remus enough the first time around to suspect Peter instead.
I have always attempted to work strictly inside the canon in that fandom, honouring it and veering off course only out of necessity or by accident. But the one story I really want to tell, that of Lily and James before their deaths and after they left school, is just too painful. Whatever you attempt, there's always pain and infinite loss at the end of the tunnel, and that's never been a story I wanted to tell in any genre, any fandom, any world. with the release of Deathly Hallows, I will finally have all the information at my disposal to rewrite history with one change; change one detail, and you change the universe. one minor thing, and you change the world.
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I am re-examining the idea of getting a tattoo. rather than pursuing the god of writing, as before, or the egyptian character for action and life, as before, or even as the constellation Canis Major, as before. I'm considering attempting to find a greek word for perpetual change.
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