it's 12:29 am, on June 20, 2007 - upchuck.
~
So. come and gone from the town I called home; it isn't anymore, and I know it, and whatever that means, I have a temporary geographical place to call my own, lesson one. The flight back was very nice, calm, and short.
I was sitting with Zarya, drinking martinis as is our wont, and as I was talking ad nauseum about the constant drama I feel around life, and the never-ending supply of it from myself as well as others, etc., etc., she pointed out something really fundamental. she pointed out that while I'm going on and on feeling betrayed by people, while I'm feeling shut out, while I'm feeling like this family has moved on without me-- she pointed out, I don't like these people anyway, so what was the fuss.
It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. this family has deserted me, but this isn't my family anyway. I feel betrayed; but these aren't the people that matter, so why am I all bent out of shape over it? I don't know if I could say that a huge weight was removed from my shoulders? but at least it did lighten the load. lesson two.
lesson three was a little more painful, and it had to do with realizing that I was actually enjoying myself out for drinks for the first time in-- oh, ages and ages. why it is that this, this longing, these stupid feelings I can't get over for someone, these stupid feelings - all of which I've had before - why they constantly interfere with my enjoyment of life here, I still can't quite say. but clearly, clearly they are in a major way. note to self: self, you are an idiot.
I didn't feel any zen whilst travelling, this time around. perhaps that is another thing I have lost in the scorched earth policy that I've been sort of following lately. it used to be that getting on a plane was a spiritual event, because where I was going and what I was running to as well as from had a spiritual, holy component. but that's gone, gone and gone and not coming back, so now it's just a plane ride. lesson four.
so clearly, taken together, there is a lesson here somewhere. I think perhaps it is this: I am clearly as emotionally invested in stupid things as the people I'm disdainful of; I am allowing the internet to have control over me as much as the people I can't stand for doing so. note to self: self, you are an idiot. I never used to give most of these people that now have the power to make me cry in public, that I'm allowing to literally ruin my life-- I never used to give these people a second thought. they were online friends, they were insubstantial, smoke. why would I ever, ever, give them this power now? these were never the people I thought about in between laughing, careless visits, they were never the ones I emailed, thinking about my real family, these were never-- I'm not going to say tribe, because that word has no meaning anymore, none at all. but they were never my real friends, I never thought of them as such. the people I feel abandoned by now, they were just, they were discard-able.
the exception to that is, potentially, where my conflict comes in so deeply. I don't care about these people, except I care about one person; and I can't separate the two of them because they are intertwined. well, self, you have to accept that something has to give here, and unless you're not careful, it's going to be you. so learn your lesson.
I fell in love with my best friend before, you know. Oh, it was just ages ago now, but that didn't go too well either. it took her moving across the ocean, thousands of miles away, for me to get over it, too, and I never even had a glimmer of hope that I ever had a shot with her. with some kind of crazy pseudo thing in the past, a tangible taste of a possibility, I don't know what it's going to take this time around. note to self: self, you are a royal, grand, idiot.
I suppose that was worth paying $200 for; maybe, maybe not. knowing something, oh, knowing something and feeling it, doing it, tasting it, there's a huge gulf in between those things, and how much of my anger, resentment, and fear will actually subside and calm itself, how much of the longing and sadness will actually abate because I know these things now, I don't know. epiphanies come daily, come all the time. I can know one thing for sure, and then the next day, know something completely different. half the time, I don't even know if I'm in love, and I always thought that that one thing was the only real marker of it. I suppose I'm just a silly little girl.
~
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