it's 2:29 am, on December 25, 2007 - -.
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after yesterday's honesty, al emailed me, angry and bitter about our divorce. there are a million things I could say about how I feel about that, just like there are a million things I could say about how I've got no family or friends. but I keep telling everyone I'm sick of melodrama, up to and including my own.
al said I stormed out of the fandom, rather than just disappearing. I wonder, sometimes, if that's the way it presents itself to people who a. don't read this journal, and b. don't listen to gossip. of course, everyone listens to and spreads gossip, everyone talks about everyone, and no one has a real life, that's why they're on the internet. so fuck them.
merry fucking christmas.
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al says I divorced everyone over a boy, and that it's retarded to do so. but you don't understand - I never got to have that period of hating Bryant for what happened, rational or no. I never got that period of talking about what happened, of throwing myself into new things, because he didn't want anything to change. when you break up with someone, you have to break up with them; your life has to change. if it doesn't, you're just unhappy all the time. I've been in limbo for like, six months now. I didn't talk about it to anyone while we weren't 'together' because all my friends were more his friends. I didn't talk about it because I wanted it to not be other people's business. and so I'm the bad guy, like normal.
I think I'm getting used to it.
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I'm just so fucking sick of having to pretend to people. that's what so great about the new people I've met at school; the conversation can be about class, or about stupid boys that one once knew. blank slate: no pretending that things aren't awkward and strained. no pretending that you'd rather just stop it all. al basically said yesterday that what she wants is to maintain a connection; how do you tell someone that you don't know how? why does everything have to be such a big fucking deal? why is everything so fucking retarded?
oh right, the internet.
I wish I'd never gone online. maybe I could have learned to be a normal person.
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