it's 4:27 am, on August 14, 2002 - lance and pete.

~

As I wrote earlier today:

Things to remember for later journal composition:

--silvia saying: and then Moses looked to his dirty and said, "We gots ta get togetha down here, yo."

This was going to segueway into a long and involved discussion of how Nelly really IS Moses, funky weird bandaid and all, but then it petered out. Nevertheless, the idea retains its amusement.

--the fact that our group so can't get along anymore. we are a broken up unit! the high school tribe is divorced. I am hereby announcing it.

Today cemented it. There were no fights, but we all sat in Will's new living room and had nothing to say. Nothing whatsoever to say. There wasn't even any decent small talk. "So, how was Montreal" took up about twenty minutes, but that was all Aaron; the four of us somehow ran out of things to say, and now we're running on empty. Therefore, we are divorced. I'm announcing it. There's no way to bring it back.

Which also leads nicely into the fact that there's nothing holding me to the west coast anymore. They were the last link, and now they're gone, so if Will moves, then I'm free to go too. Nothing here is worth holding onto.

--Aaron and Will make me miss al. *sniff*

Which is nothing that I need to really explain, except to say: Will and Aaron were cuddling today, in front of Aaron's mom. And Aaron kissed his forehead, and Will pulled Aaron back into his arms. And I realized, at that moment more than any other, that I was horribly, terrifically lonely, and didn't even know it. They are so in love like Justin and Chris are so in love. It makes my heart hurt in a good way. I have my own pair of gay men to envy.

Anyway, but yeah. While Aaron was leaning back on Will and while Will was burying his face in Aaron's hair, I missed Al with a vengeance.

--apparently Maryanna, this really hot chick from high school, the one that I had a crush on in grade twelve and didn't even say one line to her, wants my phone number. I say to Shannon, 'you're bullshitting me, man!' she is, apparently, not. whoa.

Which really is of no consequence, but if I get a date out of it, or even someone to have drinks with, I'm in. Apparently I'm being saved for someone else, in my mind, but she seemed nice, back when I didn't know her at school.

--lost all my good/bad nsync songs. was going to make Al a cd with the good and the bad, but then had to shut the computer off, and subsequently lost it all. fuckers.

This was actually more of a note to myself about trying to remember which songs went where, than part of a journal entry. I know that the good Chris/Justin was "you sound like louis burdett" and the bad Chris/Justin was. Um. Hmm. Something Majandra, I think. Possibly "bruises". Yes. Bruises.

The bad Lance/Joey was "oil and water" by Majandra, and the good was "I've got it bad, and that ain't good" by her, too. Also, "somewhere out there" by Our Lady Peace. But I can't remember the rest.

*

Other than that, I had very little to say, except to mention that Jae emailed me and said she dug "boys of summer", as well as the little Chris and Justin holiday scene, with "Sometimes, Chris feels like he has a tribe of one."

Right now, that's where I am.

After listing out all those things, I made Arien pick my ass up and take me out to move furniture with her, Nadja, Shannon, and Shannon's Gay Boyfriend of the Week. We did a little dance, moved a little bed. We hung out. There's nothing there anymore, I'm sure. Pretty sure that the grocery store, I'm too snobby to work there. Too bourgeouise, as Al would say. I want an office job and nice clothing. I want a facial.

I want a car payment and martinis on the weekend.

Anyway. So, but. Shannon etc. are not my tribe. The high school posse are officially divorced. Etc. So life goes. It's funny how unfufilling chat is, right after a con.

The only other thing of note is that 'Nowhere Man', a very neat show, is going to be on Family Channel, every day at eight EST, starting the nineteenth. I highly recommend it.

Majandra just came on the playlist. I can't listen to "oil and water" without thinking about Joey's heartbreak. It's bizarrely sad. Either, Joey and Lance are happy and in love, or somewhere down the line, Lance broke his heart but good. Heartbreak so bad that he's never going to love again. That kind of tragedy.

he sliced it open then walked away and cut his losses

I really have to send this cd to Al. I just keep seeing Joey, Joey watching Lance as Lance walks away. It's tragedy, deep and hurting. It's like how I see JC as having expected Lance to break up with him, because Lance wants something fancy and cosmopolitan, and JC would never be that well enough. I don't know. To my mind, Lance breaks a lot of people, to me. He's that kind of man. He's got that Pete Wisdom kind of talent for knowing when to walk.

Pete and Lance. Pete and Lance would hate each other without any passion behind it, a kind of bored, tired out hate. Hate that was only partly consuming, maybe on Thursdays and an hour or so when they were together, but forgotten just as quickly once they were apart. They're that kind of men, both of them.

Lance gives his phone number out to strangers, on the road, because he hopes that one of them will become a permanent fixture in his life, I bet. He gets perfect strangers to call him in the hopes that he'll build a tribe up, one that isn't just made of the band. He'll have reached old age when he stops giving his number out. Then he'll be like Pete for real.

And so on and so on. So many stars in the sky.

*

Except, no, wait. There's one more thing. Bobby, the Bobby that ended up in Orlando just before I went, quoted Snoop Dogg. Which is totally awsome. Because you should always end on a high note, and you don't get higher than "gin and juice".

~

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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