it's 10:19 pm, on October 17, 2002 - the normalizing curve.
~
There were several things that I wanted to write down in a journal entry, at various points in the last two weeks. One is that Joss whedon used the word "tribe", which tickled me pink. Another was the whole serial killer in love mythology: Henry and Ottis all the way. Another was, the line "you're tons better than sleep".
There were all these lines, that I collected up while I was in Toronto, and now that the time has come to write them all down, I don't remember any of them. the one I really wanted to steal was something like "we both live copious amounts, just, you cry and I bleed".
of course since I can't remember the exact quote it's more a mockery than a true line.
Things I have been doing: writing an au where Christina Aguilera has a lot of sex. writing and researching serial killers, because Kelly and I are talking quite a bit about not!au fic where justin the psycho loves brains. watching Stargate SG1, because my mother bought the DVDs today. she and I are dvd buying fiends. Getting Dex hooked on buffy, slowly. the usual.
Other things I have been thinking: all those things? that usually I consider important? really kind of aren't, most of the time. so like, worrying about them will not change the fact that a. vegas, in march, is probably an impossibility, b. it's winter but the sun is shining and c. to be something, you have to do something about it.
In that vague yet, hopeful way, I'm going to go and research shamshi-adad, shulgi, hammurapi, sargon the great, and all the other fucking thousands of mesapotamian names that I will never ever ever remember in my entire life.
but, also: kel got her lunchbox. this is a good thing.
~
Al has this thing, whereby 213 is her number. like, today, she typed up page 213 from jack kerouac. she has 213 tattooed on her arm. I have nothing tattooed on me, because the expense is. no. because there's fear there.
For no particular reason other than I'm feeling down and have Gabrielle's "dreams" in my head, I have the urge to do nothing but make vaguely down journal entries. as I just told Kel and Mel -- is it strange that the people I speak with most on IM end up rhyming? -- this urge will pass soon, I'm sure.
Anyway. I don't have a number, so, this game would have to be played on the chaos theory. After opening the book three times, my eyes fell on the quote: "what happened was: they became a team, a family of two." --from the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Page 217 of my Pablo Neruda has my favorite poem on it, the one that goes "I live a bedeviled man, disposed, like any other, to cherish my human affinities. Whoever you are, I love you."
of course, Kel now has me on the couch, so to speak. and she's saying a lot of things that are good advice in general. I was going to make this entry longer but really, it doesn't need to be, because talking about something never made it different. kel and I were talking about the whole sordid affair, and now "I've got it bad" is on and I have sought, and my what a climb it is.
thissugarcane: should I lay on the couch?
thissugarcane: ;)
kellyerinm: if it'll make you feel better
kellyerinm: but, you know, it's like
kellyerinm: i think
kellyerinm: there are people you know are worth waiting for
kellyerinm: like, waiting for the right time to make your move
kellyerinm: but that doesn't mean, you know, that you have to be a nun until the seat belt sign goes off
thissugarcane: *nod*
thissugarcane: that's very true.
kellyerinm: that's me randomly making a "say anything" metaphor
kellyerinm: shana would be so proud
thissugarcane: *grin*
kellyerinm: but, you know?
thissugarcane: yeah, I know.
kellyerinm: you can know what you want in the long run and it doesn't make it wrong to want other things along the way
thissugarcane: *nod*
thissugarcane: heee. the long run.
thissugarcane: every time I hear that?
kellyerinm: i'm like shana's sock puppet, apparently.
thissugarcane: I think about that line of shana's where she talks about the sound of the wheels of the bus putting the guys to sleep, like white noise for a baby in the womb
kellyerinm: one time, i was studying for a test, and it was, um, the normal curve and the four principles of normal curve and the book kept saying "in the long run, the curve will normalize" and i had to call her and tell her.
kellyerinm: and, yes, yes.
thissugarcane: in the long run, the curve will normalize.
thissugarcane: that it will.
~
This magnolia mood, probably isn't so good for the well being of angels, or men, or gods, or whatever. most of me is just waiting for people who are not online, to come online.
Apparently, the top piece of paper on my desk goes something like this: "it could all be uphill from here, and you wouldn't mind." which is from the only Jola fic I'm ever going to write. Also, "lance stares at you, waiting for you to catch up."
under that was a receipt for the Bloor st. Chapters, and a letter from mel. the things we do.
Kitty reminded me that she wrote me, about a week and a half ago, with part of the same passage al quoted just this morning. she said that al called it synchronicity. Kismet. karma. some K word, I guess. there's a copy of On the Road on my shelf, and whether that passage is on page 213 of mine or not, I don't know. part of me really doesn't want to know.
ten thirty, and I'm hungry, so let's eat.
apparently, there is also a play in Portland called "hamlet the vampire slayer". --kel wants to run away and hire ourselves out to dust things. because who wants to finish school, anyway?
something someone said to me, recently, goes something like this: "it's more, just, the idea that I could form a connection with someone." because it's scary, the idea that you can't. you couldn't before and you can't now and maybe you won't. period.
Magnolia. one of those movies that fucks you up.
also? I really really miss river. a dull ache.
hamlet the vampire slayer. I am so picturing hamlet dialogue done a la Joss. Joss, he uses the word 'tribe'. I bet he liked magnolia, too. --and see, that ring composition thing I just did? the curve normalizes. Joss would like the whole, rain of frogs thing. he digs the human in people's demons.
~
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