it's 11:53 pm, on November 03, 2002 - boxes.

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This is day, like, seven, of listening to this "caravan" cd on repeat and not doing my homework. Which really isn't bright, really isn't at all.

the song "caravan" goes: "and the caravan has all my friends // and they will stay with me until the end". don't read this entry. go listen to the song. because, really, not okay and boring to listen to.

so. okay.

There's this, thing, that I used to do as a kid. I used to take all of my things, and pack the things I wanted to keep the most into boxes. and then, if I had to leave in a hurry? I wouldn't have to pack, I could just pick up my boxes and I could leave. and like, certain things went into the box automatically. there was a wooden box full of bizarre things, like fortunes from fortune cookies, and a couple of rocks, and this stick. that automatically went into the box. and a couple of books, that right away went into the box.

and, it used to go, that my journal went right into the box, and these letters, notes, that I used to have from people.

so, but over the years, most of the letters and things that people have sent me, i've thrown out. all the journals were thrown out, deemed unimportant and tossed aside. and like, most of my things, I used to force myself to toss aside. so right now, I have a lot more things than I have in a long time, because we moved a lot more than I have lately and every time we moved I'd throw all those things I didn't want to be attached to, I'd throw them out.

so, but. those boxes were full of things I didn't ever want to throw out, like, a couple of rocks, and I don't even know what. I have to look in the box to see, except, now the sleeping pills I bought a couple of years ago to kill myself with, they're on the top, which is weird, and all the stamps I've collected. I threw out the letters and kept the stamps.

and, it feels like it's time to throw some more things out. like, because, when something goes into those boxes, and then down the line I lose it? that's loss, that's loss like justin's necklace loss.

so, people fall into those categories too, I told katie once. katie, will's mom, that is. when monika and will took me to talk to her when they thought I was going crazy. and she said, "so, when you were a kid you were waiting there with your suitcase already packed, and no one was there to take you anywhere."

and, okay. some people I used to know I don't anymore. Matt, it seems, I don't even know and can't remember losing. I don't know where River is, and people keep slipping past and through and in between, and the only thing that I'd cry over losing is a couple of stupid rocks in an ugly wooden box. they've been ritualized, and I haven't emailed river in almost a month and didn't know it.

there's a grad picture up on my bookshelf, with the Old Gang, and I don't even know any of the people in it anymore, me included. I spent an hour just now reading emails and fic that al has sent me, and thinking maybe I should delete it all. have another box, a cardboard one, with a story about joey and lance.

also, this is the first time in months that the little imood indicator? it really had to be changed from "in love" to something else, to "sad" because, yeah. I have love, lots of love to give. just, there's no one to put it on right now.

I kept the stamps and threw out the letters. none of these boxes seem to have anything in them that make *sense*.

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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