it's 12:45 am, on November 29, 2002 - fandom heartache.
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So a great many people in a great many fandoms that I visit/like/hate are saying "enough is enough!"
and I've been wanting an out, blaze of glory and all that, for ages now, a deletion of livejournal, some hate crimes against fandom, but really, that goes against everything I stand for. Speaking in public about this extreme aggravation and wish to rape the internet with a large sized wooden broom goes against my principles, because in a place where people who aren't my friends and yet know the issues, my words might just be construed as having weight.
So let's make sure no one thinks that my opinions are worth anything - because I know this, there's no need to tell me - and keep it to my real journal. not only that, but let's keep it to my emotional and mental state, because this is not only an online journal, but it's an online journal that's supposed to be about the inside of my head and heart.
That all disclaimed, my heart is heartsick.
people are mean, creatures. Children are mean, nasty horrible creatures. People online, the people I know in particular, are acting like particularly mean children.
And I hate them. I hate it, I hate them as a plural and yet -- I love you in singular. and this is how *everyone* feels. everyone on every side of every argument, I fully believe in my heart, feels this way.
I just. my tribe doesn't need a community, they don't -- and, no. I'm lying, or else why would I feel heartsick? my tribe, if you look to the left is made up of disparate people. is that the word? people that do not fit together. even taking out the one or two names I love just for writing's sake, all the people that I want at my wake are. they do not connect to form a community. mel doesn't know kelly. ashlan and claire aren't that close. alestar and doqz are so very similar and yet, they never speak. even the people in the same fandom, with very few exceptions, aren't close to each other. sheila and kelly don't know each other, mel and Tap, kate and shana. no one knows each other.
there's no community within this caravan. it's my family, but we're not family.
the few exceptions to that rule come from the people I know who like comic books. such a trivial thing to like, to bond over, and yet. dex and doqz live together. mel and I are whitlamming over being in the same city as them. and with this huge, massive - this love. with it comes this hatred and heartsick for everyone who's had enough.
and mourning the sense of community isn't simply a loss online. Carolina's coming back from London and we can barely care. My ex-roommate Sue, whatever. It's just. There's. I'm in fourth year, and all the normal college experiences for a studious third, fourth year student, I've missed out on. I haven't stayed up all night cramming at that place on fourth, I don't meet with a study group. I'm not a member of any clubs. To quote Julie Benz, I'm not out from behind the tree, and there's nothing online to hold me together like glue, either.
Heartsick. My heart is sick.
--and there's this song that I keep meaning to tell you all about, called "unwell" by Matchbox 20. I called Doqz the first time I heard it, playing in the car, because I was going to cry. I told him, "I love matchbox 20 but they make me want to slit my wrists" because they do, they're like acoustic radiohead and the first counting crows cd. amazing but sad. in retrospect I've decided that it's not sad.
and I was gonna quote the whole thing but really, you should all just download it and song lyrics in journals is a little just, no. suffice it to say the song goes "hold on, it feels like I'm headed for a, breakdown, and I don't know why" and it was one of those mornings where I had to grip the steering wheel to stop from hurting myself. so, yeah.
I met kelly today. she came up to visit a lost little lamb of her own tribe. they were very much obviously family. and my heart is sick.
the song also goes, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell -- I know, right now you can't tell". and apparently it's one of those mornings where I have it on repeat, because I suck that way. so.
and it's one of those nights where I miss river more than normal, think, "oh, that's what it's like" and I don't believe that we had nothing but a fandom in common. so my emotional state in regards to the recent things going on within livejournal and elsewhere is heartsickness. heartsickness that a difference of fandom (and I use fandom in a general sense) can be as crippling as a difference of religion. can we lose track of how to communicate with people that quickly? apparently so.
of course, a lot of that comes from the recent realization that Matt and I have a difference of religion and it's utterly impossible to get around. doqz and I have a difference of religion, people don't keep the same things in common and that doesn't mean that the community has to break. except, with writers, of course it does.
mel, I still don't know why I'm a duck.
unrelated, I love you. because apparently a difference of fandom isn't enough to keep us apart, oh no. some how we end up being in love with the same things anyway. and maybe that's true of everyone who's really a part of the tribe, maybe that's the litmus test. maybe not. it doesn't mean that, every time I don't pass the litmus test with someone else, my heart doesn't ache, isn't aching still.
~
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