it's 1:08 am, on January 22, 2003 - a long and boring conclusion.
~
It's one o'clock in the morning, and I'm hungry so let's eat.
actually, hunger is a good word. Hunger. I've had the matchbox 20 cds playing repeated in my car, off and on for the last three days. it doesn't work well when you're trying to get things done? but all in all, considering that matchbox 20 is one of the most depressing bands ever, I think I'm doing well.
Can't sleep tonight. I guess this'll just be another mundane entry; can't seem to sleep at all. Nothing poetical to say.
since there's nothing poetic in my head, we can start to analyze my life and shortcomings. that's always fun, right? see, I've been thinking a lot, lately, and it all coalesced the other day, in the car.
The story goes like this: if I were to write a definitive Justin story, it would be about like, what he could offer other people. like, that would define him for me. Rather than Lance, who's definitive story is about what he can and can't become. Justin thinks about himself in terms of what he has to offer people.
Except, not wholly. but, anyway. So I was in the car, right, and thinking about going out with Rae. and other people, too, and. see. we -- Justin and I, say -- look at people we like, and know, and consider being with, and see all these things we can and cannot do.
not from someone else's point of view, either, just, the things we can't do, and the things we can. in different places. and like, that's what defines us, where we can do certain things -- commit, be comfortable, speak, whatever. what spaces we can make those things fit into.
see, and this is my definitive Justin story. explaining all those things he can and can't do for different loves in his life. and like, it doesn't matter who *they* are. only, what he can and can't do. those sucesses and pitfalls make up Justin.
to me, anyway. maybe it comes from being part of a band. or wanting to be part of a band.
it's one sixteen in the morning. I have to get up in a minute less than four hours to study for greek. I must be insane.
I'm hungry. so let's eat.
also, I have "flirt" by WC in my head. it's this hardcore gansta rapper who did a somewhat softcore radio friendly song, so he said in a radio interview. and I like it. I just, I always wonder now, hearing it, how much he likes it. like, does he consider it a failure that he did something playable on the radio?
all of this makes it sound like I'm horribly sad or something. I'm not. I'm just sleepy all the time. and hate being broke. but, y'know. I'm feeling good.
let's see, what else to say. it feels like I haven't told y'all anything in weeks -- I guess I haven't made a real entry since almost december. there were a couple about gnostic nsync and such, but before that, nothing real since before christmas. it feels like I haven't shared any secrets in ages.
here's a secret I was just thinking about: sex scares the living daylights out of me. have I told you this before? probably. not the act, in and of itself. but--
okay. I was at this party a few years ago, because there was a time in college in which all we did was drink and make out with our friends. like everyone does, I guess. but, okay. then I decided, "okay, no more sex with friends."
which doesn't leave many options, at least not for me. so, but this is the reason: I hate the idea that I might not be good at it. it's a deep seeded neurosis that will probably never, ever go away. I can't help it. Some people just know they're, say, sexy. I don't know that I can pull off being sexy once there is, you know, sex to be had.
terrifies me. utterly. this is why picking up women, or men, or whoever, this is why I view it as such effort. well, it's one of the reasons.
what other tidbits of embarrassing personal information can I share?
oh, there's this new force in my life, co-dependency with this gal. and, I keep thinking "okay, do not mistake this for falling in love, because not everything is about trying to find someone to fall in love with, sometimes it's just a buddy kung fu movie."
but, you know. I'm in love with everyone I know. so it's really not a secret.
I don't have any secrets. sorry, y'all. this was just a long and boring entry, which came to a long and boring conclusion. next week, I promise, will be better. and if I still suck with the dull. I'll make something up.
~
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