it's 2:30 am, on March 11, 2003 - I drive me crazy.

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forewarning: I'm going crazy.

...

...

...

okay? all of you gone? good.

See, here's the thing.

I want to write? But I can't.

~

I've been staring at those two lines for the last ten minutes or so, and trying to figure out how to explain them. Write a few words, delete them. and Mel's going insane, and I'm going insane, and we're going to end up tied up and restrained and screaming or laughing if we move in together.

no, maybe not. I just know that. there's just.

I got a thing in the mail today, that says I haven't fulfilled my requirements to keep my student funding three times, and therefore they're not going to give me any more money after April 30th. Which means that fifteen credits away from graduation and I won't have any *money*. it just kinda feels like starting out of the gate so much farther behind other people who don't have this huge debt on their backs.

besides the debt and school, there's big gaping "what do you want from life".

that scene, in Ripper? she's upset and she's throwing things around her apartment and she's flinging herself around her apartment. I can't do that. I can't move when I'm upset, or thing, or speak. and there's no one here to say "let me in" to, really, so, whatever.

you know, and I think I'm happier now than I was before? like, certainly most of the time it feels like it -- and even so. you know. the thought "your life is not infinite, it has an ending and you can bring about that ending" is a comfort. not because I want life to end. but the thought that, if things are really bad, it could? it's nice.

And it's not even. I don't know. If this is just being human? this constant internal struggle and desperation and everything, it hardly seems worth it. we find each other, in those spaces, and try, and --

I just called Al. she's not home but her answering machine says something new: "chapter 28, March 2003. Erin is not at home, and a message is left." or something. I left the message "chapter 28 of what?" and then hung up, because no matter how many secrets I tell or, and. whatever.

can't speak, like I said.

and mel's going crazy, too, she's having just as bad a spring. And this is getting older? this is what to look forward to? it's not. it's awful, is what.

I miss my bracelet. I was gonna get another one, for my birthday. as a birthday present to myself. you're 21, you deserve a bracelet that says "do your thing". except I don't anymore, because I'm 21 and there are more important things than doing my thing, I guess. like money. and money.

see, I want to write. and I want, I want. I can't *do* this. I mean, fifty years? sixty years? another year? this is what we are? *why*?

~

all of that was written about eight hours ago, and then I couldn't post because of diaryland. and yeah, it's still relevant, but now I have one more thing to add: I'm kind of really glad that I haven't seen the last season of OZ. like, I'm glad I just read the recaps, I'm glad I know what they're about, I'm glad I can avoid them now. I don't want to see that end for them. OZ is under my skin -- no, let's be honest.

Chris is under my skin.

no, let's be honest. Toby is under my skin. Chris *is* my skin.

no, I don't know. all I know is that I'm glad I got to read, rather than watch with my jaw clenched and my fists tight and my heart stopped, the end of Chris and Toby. I couldn't have been able to deal with that, seriously. I know my limits, and that kind of pain is past my limits. that's like. i'm already skipping school, that's getting into like, skipping school for weeks, fucking up my graduation, and laying in my bed reading fic where Chris and Toby do nothing but hurt each other day in and day out, and crying, and hurting myself. that's what that would be.

speaking of Chris and Toby, I miss you, Al. you hear that? I don't say it because I never want to be emotionally rude, I don't want to over step bounds, but if Chris and Toby can end that there's no point, is there. if I'm 21 and I want to write, but I can't, there's no point. If, if.

Lee Tergesen says "In some ways, as people, we sort of have really fallen in love with each other in a way, because we have to go to those places." so Al's quote page says. in some ways, as people, we sort of have really fallen in love with each other in a way, because we have to go to those places.

I say, you have to go to those places or there's no point, there's nothing at all. if that, can end. if chris and toby can end. I think about you, Al, okay? I do. A lot. I do.

and like. there's always that kind of brutal, element, -- Al says, what was it. savage? -- to love. there's the nice and happy and brilliant element, and then there's the savage. and those elements aren't usually apparent, just some of the time? ninety nine percent of love is mundane and every day. but sometimes, you get a prison lover that you just can't help but hate and love and treat, savagely.

If that kind of savagery, intensity, can end. if. what's the point?

like I said, I'm going crazy. Before, it was about me. now there's just a different aspect to it, the crazy wrapped up in prison, the crazy wrapped up in characters that're under my skin. crazy. crazy.

~

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what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015

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