it's 10:59 pm, on March 31, 2003 - your voice always sounds stupider on the radio.
~
So a great deal has happened since I wrote in here last. My grandpa died, I spent like a week in hospital with my mom for her gallbladder, there's some insane kind of pneumonia killing people who step off the plane from Asia, there's a war on, did you hear? Not to mention that kel came up for her spring break while I was writing a paper on gay sex in Gilgamesh. oh, and we watched Ripper: Letter from Hell and she thought the ending was the best thing EVER.
But let's talk about what's important first. X-tina tickets.
Do I buy a membership to that fanclub and hopefully get better seats? Do I try for a Backstage Velvet Rope Experience, the details of which one doesn't get unless one's a fanclub member? Do I admit for one and all to see that yes, I'm a Christina Aguilera fan, yes, I want that funky keychain, yes I want a chance at better seats for her tour, and yes, I admit it, I am willing to shell out forty bucks for these things?
I really don't know what to do about that.
About Ripper: Letter from Hell - kelly decided that the ending, ambiguous as it is, was really cool. I told her she was a freak show. she didn't disagree, but we decided we need to hear the production commentary just so we could figure out who they'd decided had done it and compare it to our own versions. which, of course, are two completely different things, since she is a pessimist and yet quirky and I'm secretly lusting after the tender.
Gay sex in Gilgamesh is written and handed in. I just need to prove that popslash functions as mythology in ritual, social context, and motif. And then I'm so. y'know. ready to study for finals. whoo hoo.
There's still a war on. And as to SARS? I've been to toronto, I have a dry hacking cough. if I drop dead, at least I won't have to redo first year english.
The entry I should probably make should have something in it about hospitals, and how I watched CNN in the hospital with my mom, and was grateful when they switched it to Andromeda. And how, while we're waiting for a bed in emergency - because our healthcare sucks THAT BAD - my dad calls and tells us that my grandpa's dying, and mom and I both kind of think to ourselves 'well, it doesn't rain but it pours' and then I go outside to call my sister for news and get soaking wet because, wow, it's raining...
But, see. I don't know what to say about that. It was a very long and mostly boring week, very exhausting, and at the end of it grandpa died. And far from being all cut up about this or emotionally upset or sad, I find myself thinking, "huh."
I really don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I a. feel little loss or real grief because I haven't been close to him for years now, b. guilt for being impacted very little and dealing with this more as a way to collect experience that I can later write about rather than a loss, c. annoyance that whenever he's mentioned now, people are saying "such a nice man" and I have to keep from saying, "well, yes, but actually, no," and d. conflicted for not really being happy that he's dead, even if he did bad things to me, but not necessarily full of regret, either.
To sum it up, it's quite odd how indifferent I feel. I'm not glad he's gone, but I'm not unhappy either.
I always wondered as a kid what I'd do when this day came, whether I'd feel relieved to be able to say something about what he did and not have him alive. But really, I mean. We were at dinner with my relatives, my cousins and their parents and ours and my grandma. And everyone toasted to grandpa, and I didn't actually have a drink in my hand? And, that would have been the time to stand up and say, "I have something to tell you about the man you're praising, I have something to tell you about this really nice man. I want to educate you about what nice people can do to children. I want you to know what I haven't said anything about for years, in case it hurt him. In case y'all got upset." I mean, I don't think there's going to be a funeral, so that would have been the only place to say, "I want to tell you something."
So, but. I looked at my sister, and she looked at me, and instead of feeling angry, or upset, or sad, or hurt, or anything, mostly I was bored.
and so is this entry. Tomorrow is Will's Aaron's birthday. I have to find him a present, I guess. I have no idea what to buy for an Aaron. Suggestions would be welcome.
(PS: I won a radio station contest today. I got two movie passes to see Bulletproof Monk. I'm not hyperlinking the name of that movie because it's just too stupid. I was hoping the prize was the 8 Mile dvd. )
~
-
what would sith be nostalgic about anyway - November 24, 2015
moving truck dilemma - October 28, 2015
- - July 19, 2015
- - July 01, 2015
bruise - June 29, 2015
-